Another adjustment I'm making involves learning how to handle the inevitable stresses to my relationship with Rob as a result of having a baby. The combination of sleep deprivation and bouts of listening to a loudly crying baby makes us more snappish with each other. You may say, "So? Everybody is cranky once in a while and snaps at their significant other." Um, not us generally. I know, we're freaky that way.
I generally hate to fight and I grew up in a household where we hardly ever fought. If we had a problem with each other, we did argue/fight but if our crankiness did not result from that person, we did not take it out on them. As Rob says, my siblings and I are freakishly polite with one another. Rob did not grow up this way (on the contrary, his family readily curses at each other if they're pissed, which scared the shit out of me the first time I saw it in action while we were still dating). Over the past 12 years we've been together, we did not typically take out our bad moods on each other. But now, it's just really easy to snap at each other or to get annoyed at the other because we're both short on sleep and stressed. I know that it's odd but I find it really uncomfortable to snap at him or vice versa.
Plus, it's harder now to find time to enjoy being with one another as a couple. Our sleeping schedules are staggered so we see each other less often. When we are both awake and in the house at the same time, we're usually caught up in taking care of Noelle, doing chores, or taking care of a million other things. It's hard to even eat a meal together.
We're of course enjoying being with each other plus Noelle as a family but it's hard for me to let go (or postpone indefinitely) of the activities I'm used to doing with Rob as a couple. As of now, it's like we're taking turns to relax and enjoy ourselves. I miss relaxing and enjoying a nice dinner out WITH Rob. He's very supportive of me going out with my friends. But I truly miss going out with him.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Miscellaneous
For all those books and experts that constantly reassure parents that the frequent hiccups that newborns have don't bother the newborns at all, my Noelle would like to say, "Cram it up your a$$!" cuz they sure as hell bother her when they keep her from sleeping or wake her up. Or heck, when they last 30 minutes. *grumble*
Noelle had such a major poop fest today that it literally leaked out of her diaper in every direction. And whoever said that baby poop doesn't smell that bad needs to check out her diaper pail. This was followed by a mad rush to a hosedown.
Noelle does not smile at me often but has now taken to tracking me like a hawk but without any facial expression. Sorta creepy.
Noelle had such a major poop fest today that it literally leaked out of her diaper in every direction. And whoever said that baby poop doesn't smell that bad needs to check out her diaper pail. This was followed by a mad rush to a hosedown.
Noelle does not smile at me often but has now taken to tracking me like a hawk but without any facial expression. Sorta creepy.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Sleep 'training'
When does one start 'training' their child into specific sleep patterns? As always with questions that don't have 1 correct answer, this maddens me. Currently, the best success I've had with placing a sleeping Noelle into her crib and keeping her asleep is after the 2am feeding. She'll drink (while half asleep) while staying swaddled. She pretty much passes out in my arms afterwards. I hold her upright for about 15-20 minutes (since she doesn't burp often, we try to keep her upright at least for a bit to minimize spit up) before placing her back into her crib. Usually, this particular routine thankfully goes without a hitch. She'll usually sleep until 6-7am (with a brief waking at 5am but which I can quiet with a pop of the pacifier cuz dammit, I'm not getting her into the habit of waking up at 5!!!). Many mornings, she'll fall right back asleep after the 7am feeding and if all goes well, she may even sleep in her crib for up to 2 hours. But as the day progresses, the probability of her staying asleep after I place her (sleeping or almost asleep) into her crib decreases. The worst lately is at night when we're trying to get her to sleep anywhere between 7-11pm. She used to fall asleep with just some fuss in Rob's arms and then he can place her into the crib and she would stay asleep till the 2am feed. Last night, she kept waking up and hollering from 8:30-1:30am. Needless to say, this was maddening to experience. Poor Rob got the brunt of it since it was during his shift. She wouldn't even stay asleep in his arms which is unusual in that she will typically happily sleep forever and in whatever position as long as she is being held.
I've read so many books/sites about sleep and babies that my head is spinning. I've tried to set up a bedtime routine of a bath/spongebath followed by a feeding and then sitting quietly with her swaddled in her darkened room with white noise on. However, I have to admit that the "routine" isn't really routine yet since sometimes we're just too tired/it's too late to give her a bath. Rob and I don't do the exact same thing for her bedtime routine. His routine is more like he will feed her in our living room (tv on low and lights usually dimmed), let her fall asleep in his arms for quite a bit, and then he places her into her crib when she has been solidly asleep for a while. This hasn't worked well the past few nights though in that she keeps waking up either in his arms or instantly when he places her into the crib.
So what do we do? It seems too early to try the "cry it out" method where you check in on her but let her cry in her crib as she learns to fall asleep on her own. If we leave her crying, the crying just escalates and she sometimes throws up. Yet I worry constantly if we're setting up a bad habit that will be extremely difficult to break (if not already) by letting her fall asleep in our arms every single time before putting her down. Pacifiers sometimes help her calm back down to sleep when in the crib but not always. The props that I use as "sleep cues" (i.e swaddling, the same white noise cd at night) don't seem to work on their own.
I keep joking to Rob that if we can invent and patent a crib that mimics the warmth and heartbeat of a parent, we'd be rich. Haha...it'll be like that scary Krusty the Clown bed that Homer builds for Bart except that it'll hug the child and beat disturbingly. Um, maybe not. Ideas?
I've read so many books/sites about sleep and babies that my head is spinning. I've tried to set up a bedtime routine of a bath/spongebath followed by a feeding and then sitting quietly with her swaddled in her darkened room with white noise on. However, I have to admit that the "routine" isn't really routine yet since sometimes we're just too tired/it's too late to give her a bath. Rob and I don't do the exact same thing for her bedtime routine. His routine is more like he will feed her in our living room (tv on low and lights usually dimmed), let her fall asleep in his arms for quite a bit, and then he places her into her crib when she has been solidly asleep for a while. This hasn't worked well the past few nights though in that she keeps waking up either in his arms or instantly when he places her into the crib.
So what do we do? It seems too early to try the "cry it out" method where you check in on her but let her cry in her crib as she learns to fall asleep on her own. If we leave her crying, the crying just escalates and she sometimes throws up. Yet I worry constantly if we're setting up a bad habit that will be extremely difficult to break (if not already) by letting her fall asleep in our arms every single time before putting her down. Pacifiers sometimes help her calm back down to sleep when in the crib but not always. The props that I use as "sleep cues" (i.e swaddling, the same white noise cd at night) don't seem to work on their own.
I keep joking to Rob that if we can invent and patent a crib that mimics the warmth and heartbeat of a parent, we'd be rich. Haha...it'll be like that scary Krusty the Clown bed that Homer builds for Bart except that it'll hug the child and beat disturbingly. Um, maybe not. Ideas?
Rob is a saint
He must be cuz he just dealt with a screaming fussy Noelle for 3 hours straight. No idea why but she just kept waking up and crying. For 3 hours straight. THREE HOURS. In fact, she did that since 8pm but Rob took sole duty of her when I went to bed at 10:30pm.
He is a saint. A cursing saint. But a saint.
(Yes, we did check if she had a temperature, her diaper, to see if she needed burping, etc.)
I got up a bit earlier than usual for my shift of night duty and thankfully (so far), she reacted to her late night feeding routine as usual in that she fell asleep and let me put her in her crib (so far). Keeping my fingers crossed as I go to bed (or couch actually).
He is a saint. A cursing saint. But a saint.
(Yes, we did check if she had a temperature, her diaper, to see if she needed burping, etc.)
I got up a bit earlier than usual for my shift of night duty and thankfully (so far), she reacted to her late night feeding routine as usual in that she fell asleep and let me put her in her crib (so far). Keeping my fingers crossed as I go to bed (or couch actually).
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I'm a pushover
Strangely enough, I find that I'm usually a pushover when it comes to Noelle. I didn't expect to be since I'm pretty tough and resistant to crying kids usually. For example, if one of the kids I'm treating throws a crying fit to try to get his/her way, I usually make them work through it and don't give in. Same with my nephew, who rarely tries to throw a tantrum with me ever since the first and only time he did so 2 years ago (ha...he looked so confused when I simply walked away after he threw himself to the floor and started wailing. I spied on him without him seeing and he looked so confused by my reaction that it was comical).
However, when Noelle cries, I feel so bad for her. Maybe it's because she's a baby or my own child but I find it really hard to just leave her crying for more than a few minutes. She makes a very effective "I'm so sad" face- complete with puppy eyes and quivering downward mouth. Ack...I feel like giving in just thinking about it. That's why I'm dreading her reaction to daycare when the caregivers (probably) won't hold her till she falls asleep. I'm fully aware that despite whatever ratio of adults to children they have, they won't be able to give her as much prompt attention that I give her and I'm sad thinking about how confused/upset she will be. Ack...I'm not going to think about it anymore. (Not that I'm planning to leave her with people who will just leave her in her playpen all day). I just really hope we select the right daycare who will love her and care for her as much as they can.
However, when Noelle cries, I feel so bad for her. Maybe it's because she's a baby or my own child but I find it really hard to just leave her crying for more than a few minutes. She makes a very effective "I'm so sad" face- complete with puppy eyes and quivering downward mouth. Ack...I feel like giving in just thinking about it. That's why I'm dreading her reaction to daycare when the caregivers (probably) won't hold her till she falls asleep. I'm fully aware that despite whatever ratio of adults to children they have, they won't be able to give her as much prompt attention that I give her and I'm sad thinking about how confused/upset she will be. Ack...I'm not going to think about it anymore. (Not that I'm planning to leave her with people who will just leave her in her playpen all day). I just really hope we select the right daycare who will love her and care for her as much as they can.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Preparing for the RETURN
I hit Noelle's 6 week mark this past Sunday and coincidentally, I also hit the halfway mark of my maternity leave. Hence, preparations for my return to work have re-commenced in overdrive.
I went to visit another daycare on Monday. It's a family daycare that is a 10 minute local drive from my workplace and it is highly recommended by a friend. It seemed like a nice enough place (it's in the owner's home) even though I prefer a center run more like a school and with a structured program. I also have 2 issues with it:
The owner stated that they routinely put the babies in walkers once they get old enough to do so. For those of you who are confused by why this is a negative for me and don't mind some boring therapy info, read on. Most pediatric occupational and physical therapists hate walkers because it encourages bad habits and doesn't really help the development of walking. Walking involves weights shifts/bearing and a balance between the flexors and extensors. In a nutshell, walkers don't facilitate that. Granted, I'm sure Noelle will eventually learn to walk despite the use of a walker but I really prefer her to be on the ground crawling/climbing/sitting/pulling herself up/etc rather than just placed in a walker. However, I guess most daycares place infants in walkers cuz it simply makes things easier for them since the babies are then more or less prevented from getting into things and from messing with each other. So I guess this is an issue that I will have to deal with in whatever daycare I placer her in.
Another (even more major) negative of the daycare I visited was that they annually close for 2 weeks smack in the middle of my job's summer session. I would have to arrange for alternative babysitting for her for those 2 weeks even though I am required to pay them for the full month. PLUS, I'd have to still pay them for a full month the following month when I have off from my own job for 3 weeks (when my job has summer break). That's 2 months I'm paying them for NOT watching Noelle the majority of the time!!! All of the daycares I've visited do expect me to pay in full even when I take Noelle out when I'm on vacation but this is the first place that actually closes for a full 2 weeks but still expects me to pay. I'm fine with the daycares expecting to get paid even when closed for major holidays but to pay them for closing 2 weeks??? &*%$#!!!
Still, so far this place is the most viable option in that it was highly recommended from someone we know, we can actually afford the tuition (what my sister pays for daycare in Tribeca still makes me shudder), and it's near my job so I can get to her quicker if she's sick. The only other 2 options with a spot for her are lower on our list cuz of cost, location, and/or how the daycare is run (i.e. one place has the infants with children as old as 5 in the same room which I think is asking for the babies to get stepped on by the older kids).
I'm currently waitlisted at another place, also highly recommended. This place (a center run more like a school) has a waitlist a mile long but the secretary (whom I called yesterday) let slip that I'm near the top of the list and they are planning to expand their program soon. Thing is, they are giving the siblings of current students first dibs. Also, they don't know which classes they are expanding yet- it will depend on what the demand is from the majority of those on the waitlist/from the parents of current students. Plus, it doesn't seem likely that they will open the new classes (whatever age they may be) in time for my return to work. Rob and I will most likely have to enroll Noelle in the first place mentioned in May no matter what. My dilemma is what if my first choice has an opening in the next few weeks? I'm uncomfortable with the idea of abandoning the family daycare for my first choice since they would have turned away another prospective child to give Noelle the one spot they currently have. I know, it's their problem not mine but I'm still uncomfortable doing that.
I went to visit another daycare on Monday. It's a family daycare that is a 10 minute local drive from my workplace and it is highly recommended by a friend. It seemed like a nice enough place (it's in the owner's home) even though I prefer a center run more like a school and with a structured program. I also have 2 issues with it:
The owner stated that they routinely put the babies in walkers once they get old enough to do so. For those of you who are confused by why this is a negative for me and don't mind some boring therapy info, read on. Most pediatric occupational and physical therapists hate walkers because it encourages bad habits and doesn't really help the development of walking. Walking involves weights shifts/bearing and a balance between the flexors and extensors. In a nutshell, walkers don't facilitate that. Granted, I'm sure Noelle will eventually learn to walk despite the use of a walker but I really prefer her to be on the ground crawling/climbing/sitting/pulling herself up/etc rather than just placed in a walker. However, I guess most daycares place infants in walkers cuz it simply makes things easier for them since the babies are then more or less prevented from getting into things and from messing with each other. So I guess this is an issue that I will have to deal with in whatever daycare I placer her in.
Another (even more major) negative of the daycare I visited was that they annually close for 2 weeks smack in the middle of my job's summer session. I would have to arrange for alternative babysitting for her for those 2 weeks even though I am required to pay them for the full month. PLUS, I'd have to still pay them for a full month the following month when I have off from my own job for 3 weeks (when my job has summer break). That's 2 months I'm paying them for NOT watching Noelle the majority of the time!!! All of the daycares I've visited do expect me to pay in full even when I take Noelle out when I'm on vacation but this is the first place that actually closes for a full 2 weeks but still expects me to pay. I'm fine with the daycares expecting to get paid even when closed for major holidays but to pay them for closing 2 weeks??? &*%$#!!!
Still, so far this place is the most viable option in that it was highly recommended from someone we know, we can actually afford the tuition (what my sister pays for daycare in Tribeca still makes me shudder), and it's near my job so I can get to her quicker if she's sick. The only other 2 options with a spot for her are lower on our list cuz of cost, location, and/or how the daycare is run (i.e. one place has the infants with children as old as 5 in the same room which I think is asking for the babies to get stepped on by the older kids).
I'm currently waitlisted at another place, also highly recommended. This place (a center run more like a school) has a waitlist a mile long but the secretary (whom I called yesterday) let slip that I'm near the top of the list and they are planning to expand their program soon. Thing is, they are giving the siblings of current students first dibs. Also, they don't know which classes they are expanding yet- it will depend on what the demand is from the majority of those on the waitlist/from the parents of current students. Plus, it doesn't seem likely that they will open the new classes (whatever age they may be) in time for my return to work. Rob and I will most likely have to enroll Noelle in the first place mentioned in May no matter what. My dilemma is what if my first choice has an opening in the next few weeks? I'm uncomfortable with the idea of abandoning the family daycare for my first choice since they would have turned away another prospective child to give Noelle the one spot they currently have. I know, it's their problem not mine but I'm still uncomfortable doing that.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Baby language
My friend, Benaie, told me about this Australian woman named Dunstan who was featured on Oprah to discuss "Dunstan's baby language". She supposedly has incredible hearing and detected 5 universal "sound reflexes" that all babies make. Such said reflexes supposedly mean specific things. I watched a couple of examples on YouTube and while I think it's intriguing, I don't want to shell out $35 for her DVDs. I watched and heard examples of 3 of the 5 sound reflexes. I did think "neh" (supposedly meaning hunger) had promise and made a bit of sense- A hungry baby would in my thinking bring her tongue to the roof of her mouth frequently in an attempt to suck and thus could theoretically produce a "neh" sound. Therefore, I could buy that a "neh" sound would be produced for hunger. I think I have heard Noelle make such "neh" sounds before, too. The "eh"s (supposedly meaning "I need to pass upper wind"- I guess it's classier to say that than say "burp") were a bit iffy in my opinion but I could also in theory see a baby making that noise as she's trying to burp. However, I really couldn't distinguish the "owh"s (supposedly meaning "I'm tired") between the different example babies. Maybe my hearing isn't as highly attuned as hers but those babies seemed to be making all sorts of different sounds.
After watching said examples, I've been closely monitoring Noelle's cries over the past day to see if I can detect such secret language. So far, I haven't heard such sounds. As far as I can tell, my little girl goes from quiet to full screaming (sounding like "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH""""!) pretty quick so there aren't many "neh"s, "eh"s, or what have you. *sigh* It would be nice to have a lexicon to her cries. The books said to watch out for "sleepiness" cues like "rubbing her eyes" or "tugging on her ears". Um, maybe it's just cuz she's really young still but Noelle routinely whacks herself in the face by mistake...I doubt she has the coordination (yet) to do either said sleep cue.
Oh well, back to square one.
After watching said examples, I've been closely monitoring Noelle's cries over the past day to see if I can detect such secret language. So far, I haven't heard such sounds. As far as I can tell, my little girl goes from quiet to full screaming (sounding like "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH""""!) pretty quick so there aren't many "neh"s, "eh"s, or what have you. *sigh* It would be nice to have a lexicon to her cries. The books said to watch out for "sleepiness" cues like "rubbing her eyes" or "tugging on her ears". Um, maybe it's just cuz she's really young still but Noelle routinely whacks herself in the face by mistake...I doubt she has the coordination (yet) to do either said sleep cue.
Oh well, back to square one.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Breastmilk woes
Just as a warning to my fainthearted guy friends, I'm going to be pretty explicit in this post so don't say I didn't warn you...
So here I am pumping at 5am. Usually I pump every 3 hours on the 12, 3, 6, and 9 am/pm but I give myself a lot of leeway at nighttime since sleep is of the utmost importance...it's more precious than gold at this point.
Pumping breastmilk...not only does it strap you to a machine every 3 hours or so, it causes all sorts of indignities. For instance, sore nipples. Granted, at least Noelle isn't chewing on them like gum (which she was sometimes inclined to do when I was still trying to directly breastfeed) but pumping breasts, even from a machine, so regularly does beat them up quite a bit. Some might say that I must be selecting too high a suction level on the machine. Well, I already do the recommended suction level of just up to the point of before pain so it doesn't actually hurt during the pumping but just having something pull on them so regularly makes them hurt. The breastfeeding lore said that mothers would get used to the soreness and their nipples would toughen up. Bull. I'm still sore after almost 5 weeks of pumping on a regular basis.
After pumping, you are supposed to let them air dry (not sure why...to prevent mashing them up when the nipples are extended from the pulling? This does hurt as I found out by guessing the wrong nursing bra size several times. To prevent mold?- it IS a moist environment so I think it's a valid concern. Who knows?). Therefore, you're thus looking like a bad porno shot what with your boobs hanging out of the holes built into your nursing bra for several minutes after pumping.
If you do not drain your breasts of milk properly, you develop hard lumps in your breasts (clogged milk ducts and the like) that are painful. You have to "massage" (read: mash them with pain involved) during the next pumping session to get rid of them. If you let it go on, they will just get harder and more painful to get rid of and may develop into a fun-filled infection that will need to be professionally drained and cause (from what I read) excruciating pain.
Leaking breastmilk when you least expect it is also not fun. Nothing quite like having an inopportune stain on your shirt. Fear of this phenomenon requires one to slap on the equivalent of maxipads for the boobs. Which also causes irritation to the nipples.
Lastly, the need to pump every few hours severely limits your options of outings beyond 2-3 hours since most establishments do not have a nice lounge attached to their restrooms where you can pump. I don't know about you, but I don't find the prospect of holing up in a (typically) gross and noxious smelling restaurant bathroom for 15-20 minutes appealing. Nor do I think I would garner warm feelings from other prospective users of said toilet since many restaurants have only 1 bathroom.
I sincerely hope my daughter appreciates my dedication to giving her breastmilk. Maybe she'll buy me a trip to Japan as a thank you when she's 30 years old.
So here I am pumping at 5am. Usually I pump every 3 hours on the 12, 3, 6, and 9 am/pm but I give myself a lot of leeway at nighttime since sleep is of the utmost importance...it's more precious than gold at this point.
Pumping breastmilk...not only does it strap you to a machine every 3 hours or so, it causes all sorts of indignities. For instance, sore nipples. Granted, at least Noelle isn't chewing on them like gum (which she was sometimes inclined to do when I was still trying to directly breastfeed) but pumping breasts, even from a machine, so regularly does beat them up quite a bit. Some might say that I must be selecting too high a suction level on the machine. Well, I already do the recommended suction level of just up to the point of before pain so it doesn't actually hurt during the pumping but just having something pull on them so regularly makes them hurt. The breastfeeding lore said that mothers would get used to the soreness and their nipples would toughen up. Bull. I'm still sore after almost 5 weeks of pumping on a regular basis.
After pumping, you are supposed to let them air dry (not sure why...to prevent mashing them up when the nipples are extended from the pulling? This does hurt as I found out by guessing the wrong nursing bra size several times. To prevent mold?- it IS a moist environment so I think it's a valid concern. Who knows?). Therefore, you're thus looking like a bad porno shot what with your boobs hanging out of the holes built into your nursing bra for several minutes after pumping.
If you do not drain your breasts of milk properly, you develop hard lumps in your breasts (clogged milk ducts and the like) that are painful. You have to "massage" (read: mash them with pain involved) during the next pumping session to get rid of them. If you let it go on, they will just get harder and more painful to get rid of and may develop into a fun-filled infection that will need to be professionally drained and cause (from what I read) excruciating pain.
Leaking breastmilk when you least expect it is also not fun. Nothing quite like having an inopportune stain on your shirt. Fear of this phenomenon requires one to slap on the equivalent of maxipads for the boobs. Which also causes irritation to the nipples.
Lastly, the need to pump every few hours severely limits your options of outings beyond 2-3 hours since most establishments do not have a nice lounge attached to their restrooms where you can pump. I don't know about you, but I don't find the prospect of holing up in a (typically) gross and noxious smelling restaurant bathroom for 15-20 minutes appealing. Nor do I think I would garner warm feelings from other prospective users of said toilet since many restaurants have only 1 bathroom.
I sincerely hope my daughter appreciates my dedication to giving her breastmilk. Maybe she'll buy me a trip to Japan as a thank you when she's 30 years old.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Proof of being inside too long...
I was preparing to head out for brunch with friends for the first time since giving birth to Noelle 6 weeks ago and I realized that my skin was now too light for my makeup.
...
I need to get out more.
...
I need to get out more.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Day care
To scare those without children, let me tell you that I started looking for daycare for Noelle when I was only 5 months pregnant. You might think, "Maria is insane" but no, I was on target. Even though I was starting while my child was in utero, I already had to place her on a WAIT LIST. Yes, a wait list even though she wasn't even BORN yet. And I have an "interview" next Monday. No, not for me to interview the daycare but for the daycare to interview ME.
Is it just me but is daycare for infants the supreme in weird?
Maybe it's because daycare for children under 2 years (and especially under 6 months) is so rare in my part of Queens but those businesses definitely seem to have the upper hand. My first choice doesn't even bother giving tours since they have that many parents clamoring for a spot. The tuition in most places is also on par (or more) with a SUNY college education. Forget saving for college, we're saving for freaking daycare. I swear, for that amount of money, my kid better be a genius and go to Harvard! Haha...just kidding...really! *sweat*
Honestly, I just want a clean place where the staff is warm and attentive to my child and will give her age-appropriate stimulation. And not drop her on her head or anything and minimize the inevitable biting between children as they participate in the age-old game of "Mine! No, MINE!!!!"
Some of my friends had pointed out that for that amount of money, I might as well hire a nanny. While a nanny would provide my child with 1 on 1 attention and avoid the whole germ thing that comes with being exposed to a roomful of other adorable germ incubators all day, I'm just too paranoid. What if the nanny abused my child? Or kidnaps my child? Nanny cam doesn't really help since it would be after the fact. I figure that at least with a daycare, there are several adults around to keep an eye on each other (I hope). That being said, I don't mean any disrespect for those who do have nannies.
Well, onward with the daycare search. What would one bribe a daycare director with anyways? Unlimited diapers? A giant crate of diaper rash cream? Really effective ear plugs?
Is it just me but is daycare for infants the supreme in weird?
Maybe it's because daycare for children under 2 years (and especially under 6 months) is so rare in my part of Queens but those businesses definitely seem to have the upper hand. My first choice doesn't even bother giving tours since they have that many parents clamoring for a spot. The tuition in most places is also on par (or more) with a SUNY college education. Forget saving for college, we're saving for freaking daycare. I swear, for that amount of money, my kid better be a genius and go to Harvard! Haha...just kidding...really! *sweat*
Honestly, I just want a clean place where the staff is warm and attentive to my child and will give her age-appropriate stimulation. And not drop her on her head or anything and minimize the inevitable biting between children as they participate in the age-old game of "Mine! No, MINE!!!!"
Some of my friends had pointed out that for that amount of money, I might as well hire a nanny. While a nanny would provide my child with 1 on 1 attention and avoid the whole germ thing that comes with being exposed to a roomful of other adorable germ incubators all day, I'm just too paranoid. What if the nanny abused my child? Or kidnaps my child? Nanny cam doesn't really help since it would be after the fact. I figure that at least with a daycare, there are several adults around to keep an eye on each other (I hope). That being said, I don't mean any disrespect for those who do have nannies.
Well, onward with the daycare search. What would one bribe a daycare director with anyways? Unlimited diapers? A giant crate of diaper rash cream? Really effective ear plugs?
Almost 6 weeks!
So, we're closing in on the 6 week mark which figures significantly in many a baby resource book. We're waiting to see if it's a turn for the better or for more crying. (gulp)
We're doing better than before and have settled into a vague routine.
Noelle wakes up anywhere between 6:30-7:30am-ish...I feed her and keep her up a bit while Rob gets ready for work. She often falls back asleep for a decent amount of time (for her) afterwards and lets herself be placed back in the crib and actually stays asleep while I run and try to look presentable/like a human being and eat breakfast. I now try to make breakfast more substantial since my lunch will most likely be hurried. I also now have almonds lying around at all times as a snack that I can grab while holding her. Throughout the day I feed her, (try to) burp her, play with her if she's cooperating, lull her to sleep, try to trick uh I mean persuade her that sleeping in her crib is fun, and repeat. I have to pump every 3 hours so I try to time it as best as I can. I'm of course off with my timing sometimes and am left with frantically trying to express milk as fast as possible while Noelle is screaming in her crib. Around mid afternoon, I start crashing and really hoping that she will nap by herself but of course, she gets more fussy. My mom stops by after the store closes and watches her (a.k.a. holds the little demanding princess) from about 4-6PM while I catch some zzz's. (Hence why I am often unreachable during this time. I have the nap schedule of a preschooler). After my mom leaves, I am now trying to incorporate the daily spongebathing then (instead of at 9pm) followed by a feeding to try to soothe her into a bedtime routine. Rob comes home at that time and if all goes well, Noelle will sleep by herself while Rob and I eat dinner together. If all does not go well, we pass her back and forth like a hot potato while we take turns eating. I will then run to take a shower, fix her night bottles, and pump before going to bed. I try to go to bed by 9:30 but often wind up not going to bed till 10:30 for one reason or another (read: fussy baby). Rob has her from then on till 3am. I often get up at least once before my night duty starts in order to pump but sometimes I skip it cuz I'm so freaking tired. Noelle gets up usually twice at night for feedings- usually Rob gets one of them and I get the other.
It sounds pretty uncomplicated but there are typically so many hitches. Like how I have to frantically wash the pump equipment (to get it ready for the next session. And yes, I have 2 sets to give me more leeway) and bottles throughout the day. Feeding myself is also often pretty hard since 1) I don't dare cook near an open flame while holding her and 2) she doesn't usually sit quietly in my arms to let me eat. But hurrah, she does like her bouncer seat for short periods of time (especially when I'm making it bounce up and down with my 1 foot while I gulp down food/wash bottles/pump).
So, that's our routine for now. With the use of a pacifier as bribery material often. Still waiting for her first actual social smile. She does smile in her sleep and even cackle in her sleep (sorta creepy but understandable since her daddy does it, too) but I'm still eagerly awaiting her actual smile at me. She's also starting to make non-cry noises which is exciting. This little girl seems to also have Rob's resilient skin (thank God!) in that any baby acne that pops up disappears after a few hours.
Okay, I should go back now and actually wake her now since she hasn't fed for over 3 hours. Little girl stays asleep when I don't want her to stay asleep. *sigh*
We're doing better than before and have settled into a vague routine.
Noelle wakes up anywhere between 6:30-7:30am-ish...I feed her and keep her up a bit while Rob gets ready for work. She often falls back asleep for a decent amount of time (for her) afterwards and lets herself be placed back in the crib and actually stays asleep while I run and try to look presentable/like a human being and eat breakfast. I now try to make breakfast more substantial since my lunch will most likely be hurried. I also now have almonds lying around at all times as a snack that I can grab while holding her. Throughout the day I feed her, (try to) burp her, play with her if she's cooperating, lull her to sleep, try to trick uh I mean persuade her that sleeping in her crib is fun, and repeat. I have to pump every 3 hours so I try to time it as best as I can. I'm of course off with my timing sometimes and am left with frantically trying to express milk as fast as possible while Noelle is screaming in her crib. Around mid afternoon, I start crashing and really hoping that she will nap by herself but of course, she gets more fussy. My mom stops by after the store closes and watches her (a.k.a. holds the little demanding princess) from about 4-6PM while I catch some zzz's. (Hence why I am often unreachable during this time. I have the nap schedule of a preschooler). After my mom leaves, I am now trying to incorporate the daily spongebathing then (instead of at 9pm) followed by a feeding to try to soothe her into a bedtime routine. Rob comes home at that time and if all goes well, Noelle will sleep by herself while Rob and I eat dinner together. If all does not go well, we pass her back and forth like a hot potato while we take turns eating. I will then run to take a shower, fix her night bottles, and pump before going to bed. I try to go to bed by 9:30 but often wind up not going to bed till 10:30 for one reason or another (read: fussy baby). Rob has her from then on till 3am. I often get up at least once before my night duty starts in order to pump but sometimes I skip it cuz I'm so freaking tired. Noelle gets up usually twice at night for feedings- usually Rob gets one of them and I get the other.
It sounds pretty uncomplicated but there are typically so many hitches. Like how I have to frantically wash the pump equipment (to get it ready for the next session. And yes, I have 2 sets to give me more leeway) and bottles throughout the day. Feeding myself is also often pretty hard since 1) I don't dare cook near an open flame while holding her and 2) she doesn't usually sit quietly in my arms to let me eat. But hurrah, she does like her bouncer seat for short periods of time (especially when I'm making it bounce up and down with my 1 foot while I gulp down food/wash bottles/pump).
So, that's our routine for now. With the use of a pacifier as bribery material often. Still waiting for her first actual social smile. She does smile in her sleep and even cackle in her sleep (sorta creepy but understandable since her daddy does it, too) but I'm still eagerly awaiting her actual smile at me. She's also starting to make non-cry noises which is exciting. This little girl seems to also have Rob's resilient skin (thank God!) in that any baby acne that pops up disappears after a few hours.
Okay, I should go back now and actually wake her now since she hasn't fed for over 3 hours. Little girl stays asleep when I don't want her to stay asleep. *sigh*
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
F%$#*!!!!
So, 5 minutes after I posted the last entry (while holding a sleeping Noelle in my arms), I did my usual of trying to put her into her crib (swaddled and with white noise in the background), not expecting her to stay asleep for more than 5 minutes. During these 5 precious minutes, I usually run and do stuff that I can't with her in my arms (i.e. scarf down a warm meal, wash pump equipment/bottles, answer nature's call, etc.). Sure enough, midway through my hurried lunch, she cries full volume. Since I want to finish my meal in under an hour for once, I pluck a pacifier into her mouth, not really expecting it to lull her back to sleep, more just to pacify (haha) her long enough for me to finish my meal.
I check back in after my last few bites and she's asleep again.
...
Now, this could be a temporary sleep as usual but given that I just ate (and will hence feel sick if I try to nap now), she will most likely stay asleep...just when I can't use the time to sleep myself.
%$#&*^%***!!!!!!!!!
I swear, cuteness really is a survival mechanism.
I check back in after my last few bites and she's asleep again.
...
Now, this could be a temporary sleep as usual but given that I just ate (and will hence feel sick if I try to nap now), she will most likely stay asleep...just when I can't use the time to sleep myself.
%$#&*^%***!!!!!!!!!
I swear, cuteness really is a survival mechanism.
Created our own monster?
Noelle has fallen asleep just now for the fifth? time today. If I keep her in my arms, chances are she will stay asleep for a long time. Even if she's in all sorts of odd positions, she'll stay asleep. If I put her down in her crib, she'll only stay asleep 5-15 minutes before waking up suddenly screaming.
Maybe we are making it worse by giving in and holding her but it's hard not to when she sometimes cries so hard she throws up and then I'm scared she'll choke. I have spent whole days just repeatedly lulling her to sleep in my arms, putting her into her crib, she waking upset, repeat cycle. Problem is, she gets more and more upset with each attempt and more overtired, making it harder for her to fall asleep or even be calm. During my night duty, she thankfully will stay asleep once I put her back in after a feeding but we can't seem to replicate this during the day. I've tried doing the same thing I do at night (I swaddle her and put on a recording of falling water as white noise) but no luck.
My sister in law said that daycare (which I will have to put Noelle in at 3 months when I return to work) will break her of that habit since there is no way they will hold her all day. Although that is a good thing, I'm glad I won't be there to watch her cry when they painfully break her of that habit. She has a truly heartbreaking cry when she is left in her crib that always makes me cave.
Maybe we are making it worse by giving in and holding her but it's hard not to when she sometimes cries so hard she throws up and then I'm scared she'll choke. I have spent whole days just repeatedly lulling her to sleep in my arms, putting her into her crib, she waking upset, repeat cycle. Problem is, she gets more and more upset with each attempt and more overtired, making it harder for her to fall asleep or even be calm. During my night duty, she thankfully will stay asleep once I put her back in after a feeding but we can't seem to replicate this during the day. I've tried doing the same thing I do at night (I swaddle her and put on a recording of falling water as white noise) but no luck.
My sister in law said that daycare (which I will have to put Noelle in at 3 months when I return to work) will break her of that habit since there is no way they will hold her all day. Although that is a good thing, I'm glad I won't be there to watch her cry when they painfully break her of that habit. She has a truly heartbreaking cry when she is left in her crib that always makes me cave.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
My precious angel?
Noelle snores in her sleep and she often makes these snorts during the day. So strange to see such a little doll act like a 40-year old truck driver. And she can fart with the best of them, too. At least the projectile shitting has stopped...she has surprised both Rob and I during 2 separate diaper changes where she pooped so hard it shot out more than a foot. Eww indeed.
We're approaching the 6 week mark (this Sunday) and I'm curious to see if there will be marked changes...lots of books and friends mention that things get better at 6 weeks cuz there will be social payback for all the crying/sleep deprivation. For instance, social smiling is supposed to start around now. I keep grinning at her like a crazy person but so far, no luck. She has cackled in her sleep a few times (like her father) though...very disturbing to watch in either one. I'm also waiting for the cooing so that I can coo back at her but so far, inconsistent o's and mostly cries when she does make a sound. Maybe she's a watcher more than a talker. Maybe she'll surprise the hell out of us like a friend did to his parents (his first words were, "Ow, hot" when he touched something hot, not the usual "mama" or "dada"). What were my first words? My parents have no recollection...oh the tragedy of being born third. Parents are so jaded by then that they don't bother remembering all the big milestones. Heck, there is only 1 baby photo of me and it was a formal family portrait, not that they wanted to especially document my babyness. Bleah. The lastborn child syndrome indeed.
Some books also mention that crying peaks at 6 weeks or even get worse starting at 6 weeks. Ultimately, every source says something different about when the challenging newborn period transitions into something better. Ultimately, I have no idea when her odd sleeping patterns and random crying fits will end. I miss having concrete goals with a specific deadline. *sigh*
We're approaching the 6 week mark (this Sunday) and I'm curious to see if there will be marked changes...lots of books and friends mention that things get better at 6 weeks cuz there will be social payback for all the crying/sleep deprivation. For instance, social smiling is supposed to start around now. I keep grinning at her like a crazy person but so far, no luck. She has cackled in her sleep a few times (like her father) though...very disturbing to watch in either one. I'm also waiting for the cooing so that I can coo back at her but so far, inconsistent o's and mostly cries when she does make a sound. Maybe she's a watcher more than a talker. Maybe she'll surprise the hell out of us like a friend did to his parents (his first words were, "Ow, hot" when he touched something hot, not the usual "mama" or "dada"). What were my first words? My parents have no recollection...oh the tragedy of being born third. Parents are so jaded by then that they don't bother remembering all the big milestones. Heck, there is only 1 baby photo of me and it was a formal family portrait, not that they wanted to especially document my babyness. Bleah. The lastborn child syndrome indeed.
Some books also mention that crying peaks at 6 weeks or even get worse starting at 6 weeks. Ultimately, every source says something different about when the challenging newborn period transitions into something better. Ultimately, I have no idea when her odd sleeping patterns and random crying fits will end. I miss having concrete goals with a specific deadline. *sigh*
Monday, March 16, 2009
Mixed blessings
As I've mentioned before, Noelle wants to be held A LOT. On one hand, this inspires feelings of "Aw! She loves me! She wants to be with me!" On the other hand, that means you only have 1 arm free. 1 hand to make her bottles (done excruciatingly slowly to prevent spillage). 1 hand to type on email or one's blog (heh). 1 hand to feed oneself with care to not spill food on her. I once covered her sleeping form with scone crumbs...some foods are just hard to eat neatly. And yes, I know better than to try my 1 arm act of eating with hot foods or liquids.
Then there are the times when holding her does not console her and that's when panic sets in- is her tummy hurting her? what the hell did I eat? Or is she having trouble digesting the formula I gave her 2 feedings ago? Is she cold? Is she too hot? Did she not burp enough? Is she sick? Aaaaargh????
That's when we do all sorts of rocking motions, walk her up and down (making us think her cries are her saying, "Mush, I tell ya! Mush!"), sing to her, rub her tummy, do leg motions to help her pass gas, try to burp her, etc. One big troubleshooting list. And then she will inexplicably just stop, like a switch was thrown. She's an odd one.
Then there are the times when holding her does not console her and that's when panic sets in- is her tummy hurting her? what the hell did I eat? Or is she having trouble digesting the formula I gave her 2 feedings ago? Is she cold? Is she too hot? Did she not burp enough? Is she sick? Aaaaargh????
That's when we do all sorts of rocking motions, walk her up and down (making us think her cries are her saying, "Mush, I tell ya! Mush!"), sing to her, rub her tummy, do leg motions to help her pass gas, try to burp her, etc. One big troubleshooting list. And then she will inexplicably just stop, like a switch was thrown. She's an odd one.
fever?
So last night I came down with a random fever of 100.3. I of course freaked out and worried that I might get Noelle sick with whatever mystery malady I had. Rob took over taking care of her the whole rest of the night and that's really hard on him since when he is on night duty, he stays up the whole time since he can't be awoken by her cries if he's asleep, even if she is crying right next to him. So my poor Rob got no sleep at all. It actually killed me to not be able to hold her when she cried.
After 2 doses of tylenol, I seem to be fever free so I'm cautiously holding and taking care of her again. I'm washing my hands even more frequently and trying to refrain from kissing her (very hard to stop myself from doing).
Last night's drama had me thinking though- how will we know when she is sick & need her temperature taken? The books say that she will be irritable when she has a fever. Um, my little angel is "irritable" a good amount of time. How will we tell sick-irritable apart from normal-irritable? Gah.
After 2 doses of tylenol, I seem to be fever free so I'm cautiously holding and taking care of her again. I'm washing my hands even more frequently and trying to refrain from kissing her (very hard to stop myself from doing).
Last night's drama had me thinking though- how will we know when she is sick & need her temperature taken? The books say that she will be irritable when she has a fever. Um, my little angel is "irritable" a good amount of time. How will we tell sick-irritable apart from normal-irritable? Gah.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Breastmilk debate continued
Given that I'm a slave to the breast pump machine, these 2 articles definitely gave me food for thought.
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200904/case-against-breastfeeding/3
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/01/19/090119fa_fact_lepore?currentPage=5
I'm especially interested in the first article cuz it acknowledges that breastfeeding/pumping breastmilk is a difficult & time consuming task. I just appreciate that for once, there is an article about breastfeeding/breastmilk that isn't just about the lovey-dovey positive aspects only. Hurray for a nod to reality!
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200904/case-against-breastfeeding/3
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/01/19/090119fa_fact_lepore?currentPage=5
I'm especially interested in the first article cuz it acknowledges that breastfeeding/pumping breastmilk is a difficult & time consuming task. I just appreciate that for once, there is an article about breastfeeding/breastmilk that isn't just about the lovey-dovey positive aspects only. Hurray for a nod to reality!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Perfect moments
I just wanted to reassure my friends and family that yes, I do enjoy Noelle despite my griping on this blog. This blog is for me to vent so it will probably be disproportionately filled with complaints. But I want to assure everyone that there are many times that I just simply enjoy being with my daughter. (Heh...still feels weird to type "my daughter".)
When she is calm, she looks around with such a solemn and adorable expression. Very adult like expressions actually. I love it when she makes an "o" with her lips. I love it when she looks at Rob and I out of the corner of her eyes like she suspects us of something. I love how when we're rocking her to sleep, she periodically opens 1 eye to check that we're still there. I love how she snuggles and burrows her head into the crook of our necks. I find it hysterical that she attacks her bottle with such gusto and with the ferocity and speed of a shark attack (she's mommy's little girl alright!) Rob especially loves her "I so pitiful" face (given during the pauses between her cries where she juts out her lower lip while her lips are downward). I love her doll-like perfection. I love that she calmly accepts my constant kisses and Eskimo-style nose rubbing with her. I love how content she is while we shampoo her hair. I love how her hair can stand up in all directions. And quite simply, we love that she is ours.
When she is calm, she looks around with such a solemn and adorable expression. Very adult like expressions actually. I love it when she makes an "o" with her lips. I love it when she looks at Rob and I out of the corner of her eyes like she suspects us of something. I love how when we're rocking her to sleep, she periodically opens 1 eye to check that we're still there. I love how she snuggles and burrows her head into the crook of our necks. I find it hysterical that she attacks her bottle with such gusto and with the ferocity and speed of a shark attack (she's mommy's little girl alright!) Rob especially loves her "I so pitiful" face (given during the pauses between her cries where she juts out her lower lip while her lips are downward). I love her doll-like perfection. I love that she calmly accepts my constant kisses and Eskimo-style nose rubbing with her. I love how content she is while we shampoo her hair. I love how her hair can stand up in all directions. And quite simply, we love that she is ours.
Cuteness is a survival mechanism
We had been lucky for the past 2 weeks in that Noelle wasn't fighting going to sleep and actually staying asleep for 1-2 1/2 hours at a time during the wee hours of the night. I guess we were due for a deviation...
Last night she was wide awake at 4:30AM after her feeding. Not fun. We went through the usual nightly ritual of wrapping her up like a burrito, sticking a pacifier in her mouth, water music in the background (very akin to the sounds of someone peeing for a very long time which thus grossed Rob out quite a bit), and my rocking her. (OOOH...according to the Happiest Baby on the Block book, I was using 4 of the 5 powerful S's to soothe a baby. OOOH. Ahem).
Then she woke up again at 6am...after her feeding, she decided to use her lungs to good effect and proceeded to shriek for a good long time. My mother-in-law is a saint and had been staying with us for the past 2 nights and she took the brunt of soothing my adorable shrieker.
Last night she was wide awake at 4:30AM after her feeding. Not fun. We went through the usual nightly ritual of wrapping her up like a burrito, sticking a pacifier in her mouth, water music in the background (very akin to the sounds of someone peeing for a very long time which thus grossed Rob out quite a bit), and my rocking her. (OOOH...according to the Happiest Baby on the Block book, I was using 4 of the 5 powerful S's to soothe a baby. OOOH. Ahem).
Then she woke up again at 6am...after her feeding, she decided to use her lungs to good effect and proceeded to shriek for a good long time. My mother-in-law is a saint and had been staying with us for the past 2 nights and she took the brunt of soothing my adorable shrieker.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Breastmilk or no?
I have to write about this 1 major bitter point I have: When you're pregnant, you are inundated with info on how breastmilk is best for baby and how YOU MUST BREASTFEED! But sometimes it's not that easy...
I agree that breastmilk is best for babies and I went into the whole mom thing with every intention of breastfeeding for a year. I took a breastfeeding class about 1 month before giving birth. I read constantly about proper latch and the like. I was prepared from the class I took to stave off any attempts by the hospital staff to give my child formula cuz I was dedicated to breastfeeding, goddammit! I thought, I'm set!
Um, no. No matter how much prep I did, I found to my dismay that breastfeeding is FRIGGIN HARD and does NOT come naturally. Yes, I did learn from my class that it is a skill that must be practiced and learned but there was the underlying assumption that after a few practice tries, it would run smoothly. My sister breastfed for 11 months. So did almost all of my friends who have children. So, I thought, okay, I'll pick up the knack of it.
I put in my best from the start...I put Noelle on my breast as soon as possible and practiced practiced. For the first week of her life, I was worried that she was only latching on for 1-2 minutes (or less) at a time and fell asleep at my breast way before I thought she'd be satiated but I thought, hmmm, she's producing urine though so she must be getting enough. However, I was disturbed that it wasn't much urine (I would scrutinize her diapers to see how wet it was) and that her poop hadn't turned the color it was supposed to when breastfed (all indicators of whether she was getting enough breastmilk). I spent frantic hours searching the Internet for help (hours that I should've used to rest/sleep to recover from childbirth, especially since I hadn't slept well for 2 weeks before childbirth due to a wonderful pregnancy rash that hits 1% of pregnant women). The almost 1 total month of sleep deprivation plus the constant worry that she did not get enough to eat did not do wonders for my sanity. Can we say constant crying fits?
To make a long story short, after 2 visits from a lactation consultant (which did help but still never made our breastfeeding sessions work 100% of the time) and 2 weeks of almost no sleep, we decided for me to pump breastmilk and to give it to her by bottle instead. We also give her formula for the times that I'm not sure if she's hungry but want to offer her something but not want to waste precious breastmilk (since apparently, if she's touched the milk with her saliva, the breastmilk is only good for a little longer and then must be chucked).
My bitterness stems from the sheer pressure about breastfeeding your child but disregard for how it may just be too hard for some people to do. People told me to just keep at it but when the consequence of your not doing it right is your child being hungry, I couldn't "just keep at it". Pumping every 3 hours seriously cuts into sleep or even my ability to hold/take care of her during the day when I'm by myself (and Noelle wants to be held A LOT). But I'm stubbornly keeping at it cuz of my obsession to give her breastmilk. Although I wonder sometimes if I should give up and just give her formula 100% of the time. Yes, breastmilk is much better for babies, I believe the science. But what if the foods I'm eating and thus getting into my breastmilk are causing her to be the excruciatingly fussy baby she is during the daytime? And before someone tells me to just "cut out the possible problem foods", he/she should know that the list of possible problem foods includes pretty much everything: dairy (and dairy is in everything), eggs, broccoli, spinach, citrus, nuts, beans, garlic, onions, chocolate, caffeine, etc. So I'd pretty much be eating a diet of bread, water, and nothing else. And considering how foods can take several days to work out of one's system and I'm pumping and thus giving her milk that may be from 1-2 days ago, it's a pretty Herculean task for me to try to figure out what can be causing her gas/fussiness. Or heck, she may just be gassy and fussy cuz she's a baby. Truthfully, she's not even as gassy as she was during the first 2 weeks. I've eaten different taboo foods at different times and I don't really notice her getting more irritable than she is normally. (Irritable in that she will be fine one minute and then start screaming all of a sudden even though I fed her till she was content and changed her diaper. And yes, I try to burp her but sometimes she fights the burping so much that she's swallowing so much air from crying that I wonder if it's worth it to keep trying to burp her. Although she will let me put her into her crib to sleep in the daytime, she almost always wakes up within 5-10 minutes yelling bloody murder. But she can sleep pretty well if someone is holding her).
In the end, I'm not sure if it's the foods I'm eating that is making her uncomfy and so fussy. If it is, isn't it better to just give her formula since my breastmilk is giving her so much digestive problems? But I don't know for sure if it is gas or whatnot that makes her fussy and so prone to wake up screaming in the daytime. So I'm back to square one of scratching my head in puzzlement/exasperation. To breastmilk or not to breastmilk? I did do a half day of feeding her only formula to see if it helped but I think she was her usual self. I hate not knowing the reason for her behavior. Ha! I know, welcome to motherhood. I don't have to like it though.
And would it be so bad for me to give her formula? Almost everybody in my generation grew up on it and we're (more or less, heh) fine. And truthfully, giving her formula exclusively would probably make my life easier but no, I will hold onto pumping breastmilk cuz I've been brainwashed to feel that as long as I can give her breastmilk, I MUST.
I agree that breastmilk is best for babies and I went into the whole mom thing with every intention of breastfeeding for a year. I took a breastfeeding class about 1 month before giving birth. I read constantly about proper latch and the like. I was prepared from the class I took to stave off any attempts by the hospital staff to give my child formula cuz I was dedicated to breastfeeding, goddammit! I thought, I'm set!
Um, no. No matter how much prep I did, I found to my dismay that breastfeeding is FRIGGIN HARD and does NOT come naturally. Yes, I did learn from my class that it is a skill that must be practiced and learned but there was the underlying assumption that after a few practice tries, it would run smoothly. My sister breastfed for 11 months. So did almost all of my friends who have children. So, I thought, okay, I'll pick up the knack of it.
I put in my best from the start...I put Noelle on my breast as soon as possible and practiced practiced. For the first week of her life, I was worried that she was only latching on for 1-2 minutes (or less) at a time and fell asleep at my breast way before I thought she'd be satiated but I thought, hmmm, she's producing urine though so she must be getting enough. However, I was disturbed that it wasn't much urine (I would scrutinize her diapers to see how wet it was) and that her poop hadn't turned the color it was supposed to when breastfed (all indicators of whether she was getting enough breastmilk). I spent frantic hours searching the Internet for help (hours that I should've used to rest/sleep to recover from childbirth, especially since I hadn't slept well for 2 weeks before childbirth due to a wonderful pregnancy rash that hits 1% of pregnant women). The almost 1 total month of sleep deprivation plus the constant worry that she did not get enough to eat did not do wonders for my sanity. Can we say constant crying fits?
To make a long story short, after 2 visits from a lactation consultant (which did help but still never made our breastfeeding sessions work 100% of the time) and 2 weeks of almost no sleep, we decided for me to pump breastmilk and to give it to her by bottle instead. We also give her formula for the times that I'm not sure if she's hungry but want to offer her something but not want to waste precious breastmilk (since apparently, if she's touched the milk with her saliva, the breastmilk is only good for a little longer and then must be chucked).
My bitterness stems from the sheer pressure about breastfeeding your child but disregard for how it may just be too hard for some people to do. People told me to just keep at it but when the consequence of your not doing it right is your child being hungry, I couldn't "just keep at it". Pumping every 3 hours seriously cuts into sleep or even my ability to hold/take care of her during the day when I'm by myself (and Noelle wants to be held A LOT). But I'm stubbornly keeping at it cuz of my obsession to give her breastmilk. Although I wonder sometimes if I should give up and just give her formula 100% of the time. Yes, breastmilk is much better for babies, I believe the science. But what if the foods I'm eating and thus getting into my breastmilk are causing her to be the excruciatingly fussy baby she is during the daytime? And before someone tells me to just "cut out the possible problem foods", he/she should know that the list of possible problem foods includes pretty much everything: dairy (and dairy is in everything), eggs, broccoli, spinach, citrus, nuts, beans, garlic, onions, chocolate, caffeine, etc. So I'd pretty much be eating a diet of bread, water, and nothing else. And considering how foods can take several days to work out of one's system and I'm pumping and thus giving her milk that may be from 1-2 days ago, it's a pretty Herculean task for me to try to figure out what can be causing her gas/fussiness. Or heck, she may just be gassy and fussy cuz she's a baby. Truthfully, she's not even as gassy as she was during the first 2 weeks. I've eaten different taboo foods at different times and I don't really notice her getting more irritable than she is normally. (Irritable in that she will be fine one minute and then start screaming all of a sudden even though I fed her till she was content and changed her diaper. And yes, I try to burp her but sometimes she fights the burping so much that she's swallowing so much air from crying that I wonder if it's worth it to keep trying to burp her. Although she will let me put her into her crib to sleep in the daytime, she almost always wakes up within 5-10 minutes yelling bloody murder. But she can sleep pretty well if someone is holding her).
In the end, I'm not sure if it's the foods I'm eating that is making her uncomfy and so fussy. If it is, isn't it better to just give her formula since my breastmilk is giving her so much digestive problems? But I don't know for sure if it is gas or whatnot that makes her fussy and so prone to wake up screaming in the daytime. So I'm back to square one of scratching my head in puzzlement/exasperation. To breastmilk or not to breastmilk? I did do a half day of feeding her only formula to see if it helped but I think she was her usual self. I hate not knowing the reason for her behavior. Ha! I know, welcome to motherhood. I don't have to like it though.
And would it be so bad for me to give her formula? Almost everybody in my generation grew up on it and we're (more or less, heh) fine. And truthfully, giving her formula exclusively would probably make my life easier but no, I will hold onto pumping breastmilk cuz I've been brainwashed to feel that as long as I can give her breastmilk, I MUST.
Beginnings...
So, I'm taking the advice that I saw on Today (a show that I never watched before but am now resigned to watch everyday since I'm up already courtesy of my adorable but quite fussy natural alarm clock) and am starting a blog about my new motherhood experience as a possible stress reliever.
Let me first say this: NOTHING prepared me for the complete physical and mental exhaustion that having a baby brought. Yeah, people would joke, "Oh, prepare for sleepless nights" once in a while during my pregnancy but for the most part, everybody was all about the lovey-dovey ness of having a baby. Ditto for the Discovery Health baby shows..."Oh, we went through [insert trauma here] but in the end, we now have a perfect life with baby...oh, we're tired sometimes but life is wonderful!" Heck, even if people were brutally honest, I doubt I could've truly comprehended how hard it was going to be.
So dumb me, thought, hey, I work with children under 5 years old, I'm relatively patient, I love children and babies, and I've got a copy of "What to Expect in the First Year", I'm set!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I love my 5 week old little girl, Noelle, and would walk through fire for her. I just never thought that being a mom would be this hard and that I would look back at my pre-pregnant/mom days with longing. As those who know me are very aware, I am a type A personality who loves being organized and getting things done. I thrive on routine and always finding the right solution. Being a mom is the complete opposite of all that. For my personality, the sheer unpredictability of being a mom and the there never being one right solution, this is sheer hell. As my friend who is a psychiatrist would say, it's like exposure therapy except instead of gradual desensitization, I'm thrown into the highest fear situation constantly.
I'm slowly learning (or at least trying) to change my expectations of myself. My apartment will never be as clean or organized as before. My child will not be predictable and I will most likely go through frequent periods of being utterly puzzled/exasperated by her. I'm going to just try to take it 1 day (or even 1 hour) at a time and just try to enjoy her.
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