Frazzled New Mom

Irritations, night guilt,, and funny faces

2009-08-25T05:46:00.000-07:00

How hard is it to keep track of a child's clothing at daycare? All of Noelle's clothing are labeled with her name (as requested by her daycare) yet she is still missing at least 2 onesies (one of which is one of my favorites. Of course they aren't going to lose something I'm not crazy about. Grrr.). I know it sounds petty as it's just 2 onesies (at least that I'm aware of) but still. How hard is it to stuff said child's soiled clothes into her bag? I'm guessing they gave it to the one other baby girl by mistake but I'm annoyed that her mom hasn't sent it back in yet. I've received the wrong clothes twice but I always promptly returned it to the daycare the next day and explained that it must be the other baby's. Grrrr.

I'm going to have to start being quiet in the evenings when Noelle is asleep. Twice this week she heard me talking (not any louder than I've talked before though) and she woke up crying to be held. She has a truly heart piercing wail at times. The indignant shriek she belts out when she's angry about not being held is bad enough (and sorta funny) but the lower toned, sad, "woe is me" wail is much worse about making me feel bad.

We fed her apple baby food for the first time this weekend and her reaction was unexpected. I had held off on giving her fruits for the past 2 months as everyone told me that introducing it too early would make her reject the not-as-sweet baby foods. So I dutifully gave her only peas and green beans at first and then reluctantly the carrots and sweet potatoes. She eats all of these relatively well. Her reaction to apples? Bleah. I forgot that in addition to sweet, apples are often a bit tart. Noelle is getting better at accepting apples but still flinches a bit from the tartness every now and then. Heh.

Argh!!!!

2009-08-08T03:35:00.001-07:00

I'm still torn between feeding Noelle solids first and then bottle an hour later or vice versa. Feeding her solids first will get her more used to eating solids but on the other hand, she should take in as much milk as possible since milk is richer in calories and better at meeting her nutritional needs. Gah! Why isn't there one solution????? For someone like me, having a constant barrage of scenarios where there are a million possible solutions is driving me nuts!

Good and bad at the same time

2009-08-08T03:16:00.000-07:00

Noelle has started crying/whimpering whenever I leave her, even if she is being held by someone else. Before, she would stare at me as I left but generally be okay as long as someone, ANYONE, was holding her. Now, she's actually protesting my leaving. This makes me feel good and bad...while it's heartwarming and makes me feel "awwww!" that she prefers me so much, this also makes me feel guilty since I do have to leave her some of the time. She's reallllllly good at making one feel guilty. She's perfected the "woe is me" expression.

By the way, Noelle has mastered rolling between her stomach and back in either direction. She actually uses it to purposefully get closer to things she wants. Last week, she also sat by herself (no cushions or anything supporting her!) while propping her hands in front of her for the first time! Whoohoo!

Noelle has also now tried both peas and sweet potatoes baby food. She seems to like variety...whenever we gave her something new for the first time (i.e. rice cereal, oatmeal cereal, peas, sweet potatoes), she gobbled it up. The next few times...not so much. Hmmm...the little queen apparently gets bored easily. This does not bode well...

Cause and effect

2009-08-07T03:29:00.000-07:00

Noelle has a new bloodcurdling shriek now. When you hear it, you swear that something must be wrong but she stops as soon as you pick her up. She's taken to using it when we put her to bed at night. For the past few nights, she screamed like that for about an hour before she fell asleep while we tried to calm her with shushing noises/music. Last night, we decided to try just letting her be and leaving the room. I felt horrible about letting her cry like that but hey, what we were doing wasn't working. The irony? She stopped within 5 minutes and slept with only a few sniffles now and then. That kid learned to shriek like that to get us to pick her up. Little stinker.

Thoughts of a crazy, OCD mom...

2009-08-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

When Noelle starts her jars of baby food (which she started with today), should I be feeding her a bottle of milk then, too, or wait an hour? Should I give her the same amounts of milk as before for a feeding or less since she's eating solids?

Should I only keep her in onesies at daycare so her tummy won't get cold when she inevitably drags up her shirt ("Yoohoo, world! Check out my belly button and nipples!")?

Why did she develop this disturbing habit of either repeatedly bapping herself in the head or scratching the hell out of her ear during bottle feeds? If we stop her, she stops drinking. Rhythmic self-injurious behaviors is NOT making mommy happy...

Should I bother putting sunscreen on her? She's in the shade most of the time anyways but all those books keep saying baby skin is sensitive...

If I worry enough, will it count?

Did I mention that the peas baby food she ate today looked almost exactly like the contents of her diaper? Ewwwwwww...

Ponderings

2009-07-28T03:40:00.000-07:00

Why does my baby girl growl? It couldn't be good for her voice...

New problems

2009-07-26T02:34:00.000-07:00

We had been pretty lucky with regards to Noelle's sleep in recent months. Ever since around her 3rd month, she's been conking out around 8pm or so and sleeping till pretty much 5:30 or 6:oo the next morning. Sure she woke up a bit sometimes at night but she would just go back to sleep. Even more of a miracle, she pretty much fell asleep by herself. (Yay, the sleep books had been right! The stuff we did/had to do during the first 3 months to get her to sleep like pacifier use/swaddling/making shushing noises didn't set up bad habits!)

However, the past few days, she has been waking up at 4:30 and definitely NOT going back to sleep. The problem started with what I KNEW was going to cause trouble. As I've previously mentioned, she tends to fall asleep for a nap at 6PM every day. I initially wanted to keep her up since a nap so close to her bedtime made me nervous that she wouldn't sleep through the night but up until recently, she would wake up from this "nap" after half an hour or hour or so and still go to bed fine for her actual bedtime and sleep through the night as usual. Once in a while she'd stay asleep from the 6:00pm nap and just wake up normal time in the morning. I'd chalk that up to her being extra tired...maybe she didn't nap as well during daycare that day?

Starting Tuesday night however, she was waking up earlier (she'd be wide awake by the time I woke up for my alarm at 5:30 whereas before she'd generally be either asleep still or just starting to stir). Then starting Thursday night, I would be woken up by her crying at 4:30. The last 2 nights I waited to see if she'd go back to sleep. Nope. Just steadily increasing crying. So I got her and fed and changed her. She then fell back to sleep. Grrrrr...great for you but too late for Mommy to fall back asleep before her own alarm. To try to prevent this early waking, since Thursday we have not let her sleep her 6pm nap or woken her up from it after 20 minutes or so. She went to bed last night after 8pm and she STILL woke up at 4:30 this morning. I left her alone for 10 minutes and fervently prayed she'd fall asleep again but no. She just started crying harder.

Generally, everytime she cries, I go through a panicked inventory of what can be wrong. Maybe her diaper rash is bothering her? (More on that later). Does she have a fever? Is she starving? As soon as I picked her up though, she stopped crying so I knew it was only her wanting to be picked up. So even though it broke my heart to let her cry, I put her back in the crib while I patted her back and made calming shushing sounds while keeping the room dark, in the hopes that she would learn to go back to sleep. I figured that since she fell asleep so soon again the previous mornings after I fed and changed her, she is still needing sleep.

She cried in such a heartbreaking way for 20 minutes. I actually started crying a bit cuz I felt so bad but she needs to learn to sleep until at least the sun is up! She finally quieted down when I started singing that "Good morning" song I always sang to her ever since she was a newborn. 99% of the time, it calms her down. (I know, I know- the irony of singing "Good morning" when I'm trying to get her to sleep. Myeh. She doesn't know what I'm saying). She calmed down and FELL ASLEEP after 10 minutes of soft singing. Of course, it was 5 minutes to my alarm going off by then. So here I am, writing about it. Boohoo...I need to go to bed even earlier now to deal with this.

On to the diaper rash problem:
Noelle doesn't usually get diaper rash. However, she pooped non stop all day since roughly Friday night. I guess the constant pooping is irritating cuz now her "down there" is all red. We can't figure out why she's pooping so much. I can't even say if it's diarrhea or constipation. You might ask how the hell can I not tell the difference. Well, her poop looks dry (hence constipated looking) but she's going so much (isn't that diarrhea?). Semantics aside, she's doing something unsavory in her diaper very frequently. I stopped her rice cereal for now (again) to see if that will help. I figure, myeh, she doesn't like it so much recently anyway. (Her latest thing is to do raspberries with her mouth while I feed her cereal. You can imagine how much "fun" that is). I really hope the pooping isn't cuz of something I ate. That's always maddening to me- not knowing what the heck is causing her weird poops. Is it something I ate? The new facial cleanser I'm using getting into her milk? The rice cereal? The universe out to get me? =P

Huh...it's now 1/2 an hour past when she fell asleep and she's still asleep. We're getting ready to go to Rob's mom's today so we were planning on doing the same morning routine as if it's a workday so that we can get out of the house early. Hmmmm...I think I will just let her sleep in. I'm not messing with this hard-won sleep.

Like a puppy begging for scraps

2009-07-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

I typically pump as soon as I get home from work. I park Noelle next to me in her bouncer and pump away as I watch Oprah or the Travel Channel to decompress from work. Before, Noelle would fall asleep at this time. Nowadays, she stares at me, waiting for me to play with her/pick her up. She will just stare at me with no expression on her face, utterly still. When I reach out to touch her nose or tickle her belly/feet, she lights up, kicks out all her limbs, and smiles/laughs.

Man, do I feel like a heel that I'm not playing with her 24/7...

So this is why I became a parent...

2009-07-17T16:19:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I spent a good half hour with Noelle placed on our bed and just playing with her as she rolled back and forth between her back and front. I stared at her tiny feet that she was trying her hardest to fit all into her mouth. At her tiny fingers grasping mine while I held my face a few inches from hers. And most of all, I stared back at her beautiful eyes as she lazily blinked at me as she slowly got sleepier and sleepier with her trademark hand signal.

The paparazzi part of me that loves to document anything and everything with photos wishes I could capture these perfect moments with Noelle but I just remind myself that sometimes it's better to just enjoy the moment rather than scrambling to get my camera or camcorder.

Food

2009-07-13T16:46:00.000-07:00

So we stopped Noelle's cereal adventures as of today for the time being. For the past 2 weeks (ever since we started giving her rice cereal on a consistent, twice a day basis), she's had diarrhea off and on. I'm trying to figure out if it's the rice cereal, the fact that she takes an hour to finish a bottle of milk, or something I'm eating and thus getting into her breastmilk. I doubt the 3rd thing since I've always eaten a variety of things and nothing has changed in the past 2 weeks. I wonder about the 2nd cuz the baby books say that a bottle of breastmilk is only good for a while...something about a baby's saliva changes its composition so technically, a bottle of the stuff should not be sitting around for more than a few minutes after a feeding has started. In other words, Noelle's tendency to drink and then take a break of 20 minutes or more is a no no when drinking breastmilk from a bottle. I had switched her to barley cereal on Sunday for a day but thought it would be best to start from scratch so no cereal for now.

I confess, part of the reason for the breather is also because I'm still scrambling to figure out solids for her. My tendency to want to learn everything possible before starting it is making the idea of solids for her a big source of anxiety for me. I still haven't decided about the organic vs. non-organic either. My friend just sent me a helpful tip about diapers.com making it easy to buy organic (thanks, Va!) and I think I will start getting stuff from there. However, I already bought a whole bunch of Beechnut cereals (rice, barley, and oatmeal cereals) from the local supermarket so I hate the idea of wasting it all, too. *sigh* Who says more options makes things easier?

Living in a bubble

2009-07-06T18:15:00.000-07:00

Ever since we brought Noelle home from the hospital, we've been much more sensitive/paranoid about what in the environment can harm or bother her. Take the wonderful air in our neighborhood for example. On my first outing with Noelle in her stroller that wasn't a pediatrician visit, I happily set forth on a bright sunny April day that was nicely warm but not too warm. As I pushed Noelle's stroller through our neighborhood, I started noticing that there were an inordinate number of smokers. *cough*. Then I noticed the heavy smell of exhaust from all the trucks passing by. *cough cough*. And the random passerbys hacking their germs everywhere and the lack of sidewalk space I can maneuver around them with. The nice neighborhood outing became my run to get away from everyone as soon as possible. For the first time that I can ever remember, I actually wished we lived in a suburb.

Add to the above some jerks who love to gather and smoke right outside our 2nd floor apartment window, we have a situation where we can never even open our windows! The cigarette smoke blows right into our living room and kitchen. It makes me think VERY angry thoughts about throwing heavy and pointed objects out the window. It's pretty damn frustrating that we can't even open the stupid window to let our little girl have some fresh air. So, we pretty much live in an AC-dependent bubble. The bubble family, that's us. *sigh*

Sneak attack

2009-07-01T07:24:00.001-07:00

As typical in the late afternoon, I was playing with Noelle yesterday while she lay on our bed. I don't know if it was due to resentment over enforced tummy time or what but the following happened:

I was cooing over her as she lay on her back. She started looking very intently into my eyes and reached out 1 hand slowly towards my face. I thought, "Awwww! She wants to touch her mama's face!" So I leaned in slowly. Out of nowhere, she quickly whips out the other hand to knock my eyeglasses off and even grunts/shouts during the effort (sorta like how martial artists shout out during a kick or punch to get extra oomph).

...

By the way, I just got new eyeglasses today. And they are plastic. The better to withstand Noelle's expressions of "love".

Heart attack

2009-06-30T07:26:00.000-07:00

Noelle is already having fun doing things to scare the shit out of us. Her latest thing is to flip onto her belly and sleep with her face pressed against a corner of the bumper. Oh yay.

I blame Rob for this. He tends to sleep while holding a pillow over his own face. Of all the things for Noelle to inherit...

Day care

2009-06-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

On a side note, I do like this day care a lot and don't plan on moving Noelle to that other day care that we are still waitlisted on even if an opening comes up.

I do wish however that we found a daycare closer to home so that I could run home with groceries first before picking her up. Nowadays, if I do go grocery shopping (or even better, BJ's shopping with all those gigantic portions), I have to juggle holding her as I bring in each grocery bag or BJ's box. I don't have the time to come home first with the groceries alone since the daycare is 45min-1 hour away by the end of the day due to traffic.

Needless to say, I'm doing a huge amount of grocery shopping this week during the day while Noelle is in day care and I'm off from work. Whoohoo.

Paranoia

2009-06-29T08:16:00.000-07:00

I just went in for what I thought would be a routine dental check up and cleaning. Surprise! I have 2 cavities. Considering that I've only had cavities twice before in my life, I was pretty surprised. (The first one being a super surprise to me as the dentist at the school clinic did not bother telling my 9-year old self or my mother about them. I only realized that I had had cavities when I looked in the mirror at my teeth a few days later and discovered that I had fillings in the sides of 2 molars. Jerk dentist. Then again, I don't think he was in a good mood at the time anyways cuz I distinctly remember that he was complaining to a fellow dentist about how little they were paid during my entire visit. Needless to say, that was my last visit to this paragon of dentistry).

So what was my first reaction to this current report of cavities?

"Crap! Will the local anesthesia go into my milk and harm Noelle?! FREAKING 32 YEARS of almost perfect teeth and I get cavities NOW so that I get to worry about how the drugs I will be injected with will affect my baby! F*%$!"

Even though the dentist said it was fine for breastfeeding, I called my pediatrician to check. And just checked on-line. Yes, I'm a very paranoid mother. And yes, I feel bad for my pediatrician, too, who has to deal with my questions. =P But hey, I've gotten better. The first 2 weeks, I left him messages left and right. I now usually wait to go through my list of questions during her visits. And this one time. A ha ha ha...*nervous twitter*

Yet another thing for me to be paranoid about: organic baby food or no? On one hand, I tell myself that my friends and I grew up fine on regular old baby food. On the other hand, why not take advantage of organic products? I already use Seventh generation baby laundry detergent on her clothes. (Mostly because I don't like that the usual standard of baby detergent- Dreft- has such a heavy scent). We also got an organic mattress and bedding set. (Cuz I got lulled by the organic baby book that touts why not use an organic product on the surface that babies spend so much time on). We also recently switched to a dish detergent that does not contain phosphates and is labeled "non-toxic" cuz I got freaked out when I read the label of our regular dish detergent and it said to not mix with bleach cuz it would cause toxic fumes. Not that I spend my days mixing my dish detergent with bleach just to see what it does but still...scary.

However, we do not put Noelle in organic cotton clothes nor is her infant formula organic. So, obviously, we pick and choose. I feel guilty but part of the reason I don't want to get organic baby food is because they are so hard to find in our neighborhood. Guilty lazy ass mom here. But I plan to give her organic cow's milk when she turns one because I read in Health magazine once that if one were to pick only 2 foods to buy organic, milk should be one of them since apparently organic milk has much more effective nutrients (or something like that) due to the lack of hormones. So, we have only used organic milk since. And I think I will probably use organic baby foods when I want to give her fruits with a thin skin (as my OCD self reasons that pesticides may be more likely in such fruits).

BTW, the other food the magazine pushed for buying organic was coffee since coffee plants are reportedly very heavily sprayed with pesticides. But given that I don't plan on Starbucking the hell out of my kid, I don't think I need to worry about organic coffee effects.

On a related note, we started Noelle on rice cereal on a consistent basis this past Friday. I also started leaving rice cereal with Noelle's daycare today. The owner suggested that we observe Noelle for digestive problems as "rice sticks together". Huh? I don't think that really applies to rice cereal as it doesn't have the texture of regular rice. In fact, we make it as watery as possible. I appreciate the input she offers me since as a first time mom, I'm open to learning all I can about ways to increase my baby's comfort level but this comment really made me scratch my head.

Slightly guilty

2009-06-26T09:44:00.001-07:00

So I'm off on break from today through next week. And I am planning to put Noelle in daycare still. I got a certain type of response to this depending on who I was talking to. Non-moms automatically assumed that I would spend the entire week with Noelle. Moms on the other hand were EXTREMELY supportive of my decision to keep her in daycare during my time off so that I can have time to do errands baby-free and to just veg. I figure, she may as well go to daycare since we won't get reimbursed even if she's not there all next week and she's feeding much better with them than with us still. Plus, I loooooove the idea of having time to do various errands that have been curdling in the back of my mind and bothering me to get done.

Part of me does feel guilty that I'm not using the extra time with her but I truly need the time to myself to feel recharged. My taking the time for myself makes me a better mom. Besides, germ-o-phobic me is still a bit leery of taking Noelle with me into crowded stores. Everytime I see that commercial about that mom putting her baby into a bubble, I KNOW that it's geared towards moms like me. =P

But I have to watch out for doing too much during my days off. I tend to use all my free time to do stuff that "needs doing" (i.e. cleaning, organizing Noelle's room, researching/ordering/hunting down various toys or foods for Noelle). I need to remind myself often to just take a break. From what I've seen with Rob and what I've heard from my married girlfriends with children, it's common that the father automatically does leisure stuff when there is downtime (i.e. baby is sleeping or visiting grandma for the day) while the mother goes into automatic mode to get stuff done whether it be straightening the room, ordering that teether she heard about, or running out to do food shopping. I'm aiming for the middle ground for us. I used to resent it that Rob would go into leisure mode whenever Noelle slept but I slowly realized that everyone (including me) needs time doing something mindless and fun to stay sane. And that guys just don't spontaneously think, "Oh, I have spare time. I shall go take care of that errand." So, we're a work in progress...me to slow down some of the time and to simply ask Rob for help during some of his downtime.

Let me take this moment to say though that Rob is pretty awesome with regards to Noelle. He is great about helping me to wash her endless bottles, doing her laundry, and is always more than willing to feed/change/bathe/or just be with her when she needs it. And I just want to say over and over that he's awesome and I appreciate him every day. => I hear about the blank stares that a lot of my girlfriends get when asking their husbands to bathe the baby or some other baby related chore and it makes me want to hug Rob Elmira-style from Looney Tunes.

"I want to pet them and squeeze them and call them George."

To Hyland/Humphrey or not...

2009-06-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

I think Noelle might be teething as she's gnawing everything in sight like my hamsters used to. While I recognize that babies mouth objects to explore, she seems to have a voracious need to gnaw the hell out of everything near her mouth. Ha...thank goodness she's being bottlefed my milk. =P

We've been giving her a cold teething ring and a rubber giraffe (oooh la la...this French teether is the bestselling toy on Amazon!) and they seem to calm her down when she seems fussy for something to chew on. I also got an extra of her favorite teether to bring to daycare. However, the daycare owner suggested that I give her some homeopathic tablets called Hyland's. When I first heard about it, I thought, "What are you nuts? Give an infant a CHEWING TABLET??? Can we say choking hazard???" but I've since found that it's supposed to be dissolved. Not for Humphreys teething tablets though apparently. Does anyone else think it's bizarre to give an infant a tablet to chew on???

Either way, I'm not crazy about giving Noelle such things since 1) her teething (so far) seems manageable when given regular teethers only and 2) just because something is "natural" doesn't make me instantly jump for joy. Many "natural" things are just as toxic or harmful as synthetic stuff. The daycare owner was not too pleased when I told her that Rob and I have decided to forego the Hylands for now and just rely on teethers. She said that it was "unfair to the child" to leave her in pain. Now that made me feel instantly guilty. I'm not gunning to keep Noelle in pain just to prove that she can tough it out. I just don't think her teething pain (if any?) is that bad to warrant pharmaceutical intervention, even if it is "natural". I have no idea what the heck "belladonna" (one of the ingredients) is other than it's a plant. So? Lots of plants are poisonous! Another ingredient is chamomile. Um, chamomile is a type of ragweed and I'm very allergic to ragweed so do I really want to give my daughter something that she could be allergic to?

Although I generally like this daycare a lot in that they seem pretty attentive, I don't think they get that Noelle is just a pretty fussy baby. When she cries to be held, she cries hysterically like she's in pain. As soon as you pick her up, she instantly stops, like nothing ever happened. They still tend to think her crying means something is wrong (i.e. gas, my eating something not right that passed into my breastmilk) and they seem to want to give homeopathic stuff for everything. When she first started daycare, they suggested Mylicon drops for what we thought was gas. My doctor doesn't believe that Mylicon drops work but said that they wouldn't harm her so I gave the green light to try it out. I tried it on her a couple of times at home and meh, I can't say I saw a huge difference. Although I'm generally okay with giving her meds prescribed by the doctor, I'm leery of homeopathic stuff cuz I'm not sure if they are regulated by the FDA or actually safe. I'm all for organic food and laundry detergent for my baby but homeopathic tablets and the like make me nervous.

On an unrelated note, Noelle is still giving my mother hell every time she comes to help me out for an hour. Within a few minutes of handing her off, Noelle will start screaming her head off. I've tried everything- burping her, giving her favorite toys/teethers, changing her diaper, teaching my mom the positions she likes to be held in or how to get her to sleep in her crib. As soon as I'm near Noelle, she stops crying but once I leave to go eat my dinner or take a shower, she starts screaming like her world is ending. Isn't it way too early for her to prefer me like this? And she doesn't even do this when I leave her with daycare (at least, they haven't told me she does). She should be used to my mom since my mom has been coming downstairs to play with her pretty regularly since her 1st month. WTF???

Food

2009-06-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

We gave Noelle "solids" for the first time this past Sunday on her 19th week. I put "solids" in parenthesis cuz it was purposefully made so watery that I wonder if it qualifies anymore as a solid. =P She took 5 spoonfuls of rice cereal mixed with formula which is a nice start. She made this "huh?" face with each bite but at least she didn't projectile vomit into the video camera or chuck the spoon away. And since then, we've only given her milk...a haha. It's just too much of a hassle during the week. (Read: I lazy). When the doctor first suggested introducing solids to her, he told me to give her 2 spoonfuls in the AM and PM. I thought, "During our morning routine? HA! Not." I guess I don't feel that much pressure to give her solids since according to the baby bible, she's supposed to get most of her nutrition from milk anyway in her first year. So I'm taking it easy with the solids cuz 1) it's an extra thing to prepare and clean up and 2) I'm going to need time to research and hunt down all the assorted baby foods I want to give her cuz I'm anal like that. =P

And she is teething (I think) as she's mouthing everything in sight. It's funny how shark-like quick she is at grabbing things to go into her mouth. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that teething won't keep her up at night.

Miscellaneous

2009-06-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

Noelle is still only drinking a few ounces at most feedings at home whereas she drinks 6 1/2 oz per bottle at daycare. I would love to videotape what the heck they are doing that she takes the bottle from them so well but fights it with us. Paranoid me started envisioning horrible scenarios like them adding sugar to the bottles so that she would take it.

*sigh* Rob is with her right now trying to get her to get back to sleep. Our fault. We woke her up a half hour ago to eat. She fell asleep around 6:30PM and by 8PM, we didn't want to keep letting her sleep cuz 1) we figured it was too early for her to go to bed for the night and were afraid she would wake up at 2am or something and 2) she hadn't yet reached the pediatrician recommendation of at least 24oz of milk per day. She drank only just enough to meet the minimum daily requirement before fussing. She's obviously sleepy (she's not reaching for things or waving her arms around and she's not displaying much facial expressions) but she's having difficulty falling back asleep. She is crying piteously. I want to bang my head against the wall now. This is the second night in a row that this has happened. Maybe we should just let her sleep? I'm not crazy about her need to nap usually sometime around 5:30 or 6PM as it's so close to her bedtime (around 8:30 or 9PM usually) but until the past 2 days, she usually woke up on her own after only half an hour or 1 hour. Then I would play with her for a bit before giving her a final bottle and then putting her in her crib. A small handful of nights she even fell asleep without a single protest cry. Not tonight. Or last night. Argh.

On another note, related to her tendency to need to sleep around 5:30 or 6PM, that's usually the time my mother comes to help me watch her for an hour Mondays through Thursdays so that I can eat dinner and shower. The past week or so, Noelle has gotten super cranky literally 5 minutes into my handing her off to my mom and she would cry (or rather, SCREAM her head off) as she was suddenly exhausted. So my poor mom's quality time with her for the past week has been either having Noelle scream her head off or sleeping.

Noelle is still screaming right now. Another night where she was crying like this with Rob, when I went into the room and spoke, she stopped crying immediately, stared at me, and calmed when I held her. I hope this preference for me isn't a trend. I know that's understandable since I spend more time with her most days but I don't want Rob to miss out. Plus, it's hard to only have me take care of her every single time. I need to get away from childcare some of the time (hence this blog right now). I'm actually pumping as I write this so that I can go to bed early tonight.

Talons

2009-06-15T19:04:00.000-07:00

Noelle has not only poked herself in the eye and scratched it, she's now gouged out a piece of skin from under her left eye. People keep telling us to cut her nails to which we reply, "WE DO!!! They are just sharp no matter how often we cut and file them!"

BTW, Noelle has now started rolling from her back to her tummy and can grab her feet. Her doctor also says it's okay to introduce solids to her. Where has the time gone???

Getting my money's worth...

2009-06-15T19:02:00.000-07:00

I got a call on Friday during the work day from Noelle's daycare. They were concerned cuz she was "crying inconsolably, refusing her bottle" and just being all around difficult.

My response, "Uh, does she have a fever?"

Them: "No..."

Me: "Then it's just her being cranky."

Them: "Oh."

Grrrr

2009-06-11T05:02:00.000-07:00

So Noelle is still fighting her bottle after only 1-3 oz. I hate this. I absolutely hate this. Couldn't she choose to give us a hard time with something else? Like bathtime? Or taking her vitamins? Or ANYTHING ELSE!!! (Well, maybe not sleeptime at night...but then again, I almost would rather she eat well with us). The daycare still says that she is taking her 3 bottles of 6 1/2oz each without any problems. We have no idea why she's fussing for her bottles at home. I give her the same milk at home and feed her in the same position as always. We've had the same feeding times as when she started daycare (roughly every 3 hours). I've tried feeding her in a dark, quieter room, and with the TV on or off. Last night, we used a combination of holding out toys for her to watch or pull and turning on the vacuum cleaner to distract her. Grrrrr. This is soooo frustrating.

And I think she poked herself in the eye pretty good yesterday. I noticed that her left eye (but only the outer corner) was red but there is no discharge. She's not rubbing at it or fussing at it. We're guessing she scratched her eye accidentally with her talons but I'm taking her to the doctor this morning (hopefully they will take us without any appointment?) cuz I'm paranoid. Say, what if she is hemorrhaging in her brain or something cuz she hit her head while at daycare??? (Yes, I'm that paranoid). Granted, I know that this is a very remote possibility cuz the daycare seems decent and she's not showing other signs of brain trauma (throwing up, excessive drowsiness, nothing red in the other eye) but still. I'm one of those crazy worrywart moms so off to the doctor we will go. Hey, be proud of me that I didn't rush her off to the ER as soon as I noticed it last night.

Feeding feeding feeding...

2009-06-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

...why can it never be simple? Noelle has recently started fighting the bottle after only 2-3 oz by growling, crying, and bapping at the bottle with her increasingly strong arms. Basically, she's acting like she's being tortured instead of being fed. Since she is drinking up to 6 1/2oz at a time at daycare without a fuss, I don't think she's fussing with us cuz of reflux. I believe she's fussing cuz she wants to DRIVE US CRAZY. I've now taken to trying to distract her with the TV while feeding to keep her from fussing. I'm also bent over at an awkward angle to keep the bottle in her mouth. So I'm basically letting her watch whatever TV show distracts her and setting myself up for a backache just to get this girl to eat. This does not bode well for future power struggles between mommy and Noelle.

And her pediatrician says it's okay for us to start introducing solids (read: rice cereal) to her. Great. Even more feeding fun. Bleah. Oh well, regardless of her driving us nuts during feeding, we at least know she's eating enough since she's now a hefty 14lbs.

It's all relative...

2009-06-02T20:19:00.000-07:00

So, a new baby started in Noelle's daycare this week and she's only 2 1/2 weeks younger than Noelle. Apparently though, she's just as much a shrieker as my darling and I thought, "YES! My child won't seem as horrid anymore! She won't be the only problem child!" (The first week she was in daycare, the women who took care of Noelle seemed quite harried and commented hesitantly that she cries a lot and LOUD. To which I thought, "Whoohoo! We're getting our money's worth! Keep acting up at school, not at home, little girl!")

The daycare even commented that Noelle is a better feeder. Um, are you sure we're talking about my daughter? Noelle drinks the first few ounces fine before protesting (batting her bottle away), squirming, and drooling/spitting milk all over her bib and shirt. This is the girl who once went through 3 outfits in ONE feeding.

More whoohoo

2009-06-02T20:16:00.001-07:00

Gotta love it when she falls asleep on her own. The past 2 nights, she's been shrieking her head off with my mom and we were at first worried that she was sick or something. Apparently though, she was just tired/sleepy and wanted her crib. It's like a magic trick: place her in crib, she wails a bit more (but much lower in volume), puts her rocker sign fingers in her mouth and uses the other hand to cover her face. Bingo- snooze city. Gotta love it.

Wow...it really is better

2009-05-31T12:31:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all those who reassured me that things will get easier with time. Thank God.

The transition back to work and putting Noelle in daycare went pretty smoothly. Noelle is not old enough to have separation anxiety (although she does still watch me like a hawk when I'm in the room) so she went to daycare without a hitch. And I am gosh darn happy to be back at work. Seriously! I appreciate the daily contact with the real world and my friends again. I miss Noelle a lot (as my co-workers will attest to since I will sometimes just stare at her photo on my desk) but being away from her during the day makes me appreciate her more and more patient with her when I'm finally with her. So, going back to work is great all around- I get to have adult contact again, I'm getting a paycheck again, and I am a better mother for Eli (my nickname for her...in addition to "Stinker"- for when she cries and cries until we pick her up at which she will instantly switch off the crying; "Fussy" when she's her grumpy self and crying off and on no matter what we do). Heh.

In terms of how she has changed in the past month...wow. She's now 13lbs and some change and 2 feet in length. She just started rolling over yesterday after a few weeks of constant rolling to her side. She was taking a nap and then she started crying but it sounded muffled. So we went to take a look and there she was, on her belly (even though we placed her on her back). She was crying into the mattress even though she can (when she wants to) push up on her forearms. Nice indignant cry she got there.

She has also started actively grabbing at things- our hands, toys, etc. She is also starting to try to get to her feet, even if it means jack-knifing herself forward to get to them. When she is sleepy, she sucks on just her right middle and ring fingers, thereby making a rocker sign. Hmmm...maybe listening to all that Rock Band in utero DID have an effect. She is also even more social- cooing and shrieking and talking to those she is familiar with. She also started laughing which we of course love and try our hardest to get on videotape. However, switching the video camcorder on is the surefire way so far to make her freeze and DO NOTHING. Bleah.

And what's making me happiest: she typically sleeps from ~9:30PM till ~6AM in the morning!! WHOOHOOOOOO!!!! She also goes down to sleep at night without the crazy screaming/crying for 4 hours that she used to do. It makes for a much more tranquil evening. Course, I'm still going to sleep as early as I can since I now need to get up at 5:30 every morning to pump and take care of stuff before leaving with her for the day. Great...I now have the hours that my grandparents did- what an exciting life I lead. =P Still, life is pretty good. And she is 16 weeks old today! Wow. Weird.

Eye-hand coordination is a go

2009-04-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

Noelle has found her hands and is now voraciously tasting them. And of course, perfect timing, Rob has come down with a cold. A winning combo! Needless to say, I am now manically not touching Rob before touching Noelle and wiping her hands frequently. It is quite cute to see how happy sucking on her hands/fingers makes her. It's got to beat accidental bonking of herself in the face.

I'm actually afraid that her sudden dramatic increase in mouthing and drooling is a sign that she is teething. I thought that it was way too early but no, the baby bible says although the average age of the first tooth is 5 months, some come in as early as 3 months (and Noelle just turned 10 weeks yesterday). *sigh* I guess we will kiss the relatively quiet nights goodbye then. In preparation, I ordered a bunch of teethers for her. I've got a feeling that once we actually go into baby stores with her, we will go (more) nuts with buying stuff for her. She is going to be one spoiled little girl. =P

Noelle is now also quite mobile in her bed. About 2 weeks ago, she started inching herself up or down along the bed. I would be puzzled when I went to get her after her naps cuz she'd be a foot farther away from where I left her. She is now also twirling herself in circles and we frequently find her at a diagonal. So, we've thus taken away the swaddle and blankets, dutifully following what the baby books recommend. She now sleeps in a "sleep sack"- it literally is a sack that zippers up the front. Useful.

T minus 2 weeks and a day

2009-04-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

...until return to work and placing Noelle into a daycare. Double dread. Well, I'm actually looking forward to seeing my friends at work and the kids I work with but I'm not looking forward to leaving my Noelle in a daycare. She has become increasingly aware of me and Rob in the past few weeks and seeing how upset she gets when I leave the room or how happy she is when I go to her when she first wakes up in her crib makes me feel extremely guilty about the eminent separation. I think I'm going to be one of those parents who will be plastered outside the daycare's door desperately waiting for their child to calm down before leaving. Argh.

At the same time though, I know that I am not one of those women who could be happy as a stay at home mom. I get cabin fever way too much. And although I do love watching how cute she is when she eats or coos at the mobile while I change her, the unending repetition of change baby, feed baby, burp baby, and let baby sleep on me/try to wrestle her into the crib makes me a bit kooky, too. I both love and get crazy by the baby routine, if that makes any sense.

I also wonder how the heck I'm going to adjust to going back to work after a 3 month break. Probably shell shock is what I'm going to get. Hopefully, none of the kids I treat have become biters or whatnot in the intervening time...

Old generation vs. new generation

2009-04-14T11:53:00.000-07:00

Various relatives have stopped by in recent weeks to visit Noelle and my nephew and we've gotten all sorts of "interesting" advice to do with Noelle. While I know they mean well (at least I hope so), some of their comments smart, infuriate, or just plain don't make any sense.

During the first few weeks when I was going slightly (okay, maybe a lot) insane what with my sleep deprivation and stress over raising a newborn, some relatives oh so helpfully told me over and over that my newborn cried cuz I wasn't feeding her enough. Way to support a new mother who was stressed already about breastfeeding! Whoohoo! To this day, that is still my parent's and relatives' first suggestion if Noelle makes the slightest peep. Hard for them to accept but Rob and I do actually feed our child. =P And we can prove it as she is now in the 60th percentile for her age in weight! It's still a bit annoying to hear.
"Wah!"
"You don't feed her enough! You should feed her now! That's why she cries!"
"You don't say? I thought she was on a monthly feeding schedule like those African elephants who live in the desert!"

Lately, it has come to my relatives' attention that Noelle's hair is sorta funny in the back- it looks like its patchy in certain spots but it's actually just matted down oddly from sleeping on her back. I have noticed it but that doesn't stop them from constantly commenting on it with worried brow and clucks of disapproval. What do they expect me to do? Have her sleep on her face? There! That way her hair won't get mussed up! Bleah.

My personal favorite advice was to do with pigs feet. Yes, pigs feet. In Chinese lore, a recovering new mom should eat plenty of pigs feet cooked in ginger. It reportedly helps with recovery and/or builds up your breastmilk production. Eh, I was willing to try it. And I did. I found out that while I could stomach the meat a bit, I could not get used to the fat. Not my kind of texture. So I politely told the relatives. They kept giving me more. It got to the point where I had to tell them bluntly that the texture unfortunately made me nauseous. Their advice? Just let myself throw up after eating it. ???? Great- promotion of bulimia! Awesome!

Many also do not approve of our having her in her own room. There are many reasons for it but ultimately, that is our decision and I wish they would respect that. Besides, she's in the room RIGHT NEXT TO OURS with both of our doors wide open. Add to that my child's healthy set of lungs and I have no problem whatsoever with hearing her when she wakes at night. We also have a monitor. We still get the disbelieving looks when told she sleeps in her own room. *sigh*

Oh well, all the above advice came from a good place.

Settling in

2009-04-13T06:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend, Rob put together the new dresser from IKEA in her room and I hung up a personalized blanket that one of our friends got for Noelle over her bed (oooh...tapestry!). I also ordered some butterfly decals to stick onto the black dresser as part of my attempt to make her room more child-like.

Noelle was mostly content for the majority of the 3-day weekend which I'm really happy about cuz not only does it make it a happier time for all when she's not screaming her head off, I really want Rob to have more time with her when she's not cranky. (Unfortunately, by the time he gets home most nights, she's at her most fussiest of the day). We still need to finish trimming her fingernails though. It's been recommended for us to do it when she's asleep but we tend to run away and use her sleep time to get all sorts of other things done so by now, she has talons enclosed in her mittens. =P

We tried bathing her in a baby tub within the bathroom tub again and it was a stressful time for all (again). Poor Noelle looked frightened most of the time and she kept staring right at me as if checking for reassurance. I think this girl is due for only spongebaths until the summer when I won't worry about the temperature of the room as much. At least her head control is decent now with only a few incidents of head bashing now and then (she'll hold her head upright nicely and then be overcome with the weight and bash her head right into the sides of OUR heads, thus prompting much "ow!"s all around). She's also quite heavy now...she was 11 lb 2 oz when measured last Tuesday at the doctor's and my arms definitely feel it. Who needs exercise when I got my own little Buddha/free weight?

I also ordered labels that we will need to cover all her things with when she goes to daycare.

Heh, I even got dogtags with her name on it for her backpack. Something tells me that I'm going to bankrupt myself buying cutesy things for her.

Who's training who?

2009-04-08T08:50:00.001-07:00

We went to the pediatrician yesterday for yet another round of vaccinations and the doctor mentioned that Noelle is now old enough for us to start training her to fall asleep on her own or to at least fall back asleep on her own when she wakes up in her crib. I thought, why not? Let's give it a try during her afternoon naps. As usual, she woke and cried a few minutes after I placed her in her crib asleep. This time, I went in and placed her pacifier in her mouth and left after "reassuring her" with a pat and soothing sounds (as the books say to do- yeah yeah, I'm trying everything.). Repeat about 6 times. Meanwhile, she was getting more and more upset until finally I gave in since hell, she wasn't falling asleep anymore anyways. Not with her full throttle shrieking, complete with her mouth wide open and tongue vibrating in the middle just like in a cartoon. However, it took longer than usual to calm her down...almost as if she was punishing me for leaving her crying for so long. Hmm...is she doing "positive punishment" (introducing a consequence to decrease an undesired behavior- in this case, my leaving her in her crib) on me, as the psych terms go? Great, my 2 month old is doing psych techniques on me. I'm getting trained. Woof.

Big weekend

2009-04-06T15:22:00.000-07:00

My sweetie definitely smiled at me!!! Instead of the fleeting did-she-just-smile-at-me-or-were-her-lip-muscles-just=twitching", Noelle spent several minutes today smiling and cooing back at me! WHOOHOO!!!! SHE ACTUALLY LIKES ME!!!

So, Rob and I went to Ikea on Saturday to order a bunch of heavily needed furniture. If we could have, we would have just ordered on-line (on-line shopping- a new mom's best friend/enemy) but due to a strange quirk, only certain colors of certain furniture were available and since we would like our stuff in the apartment to match at least somewhat, we had to go in person. Plus, I like the $1 hot dogs and frozen yogurt cones. Yum yum.

Usually only Rob gets aggravated in big, crowded stores but that day, I was also clawing the walls as we were meandering through the various displays. We had no choice but to pretty much go through the entire store cuz we had no idea where the specific wardrobe sets/home organization boxes that we wanted were. So, although this was probably the shortest Ikea visit I've ever done, it felt way too long as we were stuck behind really sloooooow walkers. Dude, you people are New Yorkers...shouldn't you be walking fast???

We picked out a much needed extra chest of drawers for Rob and one for Noelle. To match the already existing 5x5 boxed shelving unit in her room, her chest is also black. Lest we be accused of rooming our child in a too adult looking room, we added splashes of color by adding red doors and red/blue organization boxes to the shelving unit. When I first announced my pregnancy, a couple of people had asked if I was going to paint our daughter's room in pastels/add Princess or other girly decals/put up frilly curtains. The answer was and still is no. I'm not really a girly-girl and the typical ultra girly rooms never appealed to me. I figure, her toys and a few well placed pictures will provide the splashes of color announcing that it's a little girl's room. So far, not that many decorative touches up yet (aside from her THREE mobiles) but I figure that we will frame and put up drawings that she does when she gets a bit older.

On Sunday, we took her to meet her great grandmother for the first time. She spent most of that day being adored by various family members. Always nice. Maybe all that extra attention kick started the smiles. All I know is, I'm loving it!!!

Bath time...cue scary music

2009-04-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

Nothing is quite as scary as trying to handle a soap slippery infant during bath time. Sponge baths, we've got pat. Bathing her in an actual baby bath tub...still quite scary. We've never hated our teeny tiny and cold bathroom more. So far, we've only given her a "bath" (as opposed to a sponge bath, lest you think we keep her grimy) three times. Two of those times, it required a team effort with lots of running around and renegotiating ourselves around the awkward space that is our bathroom. The one time I did it myself, it was a poop emergency (read "Miscellaneous" post) and it was a frantic affair where I was worried the whole time that it was too cold in the room and I switched mid-bath from trying to hold her up in the bathtub to just using the bathroom sink, worried the whole time about her head colliding with the faucet or her catching a cold. She did look cutely confused with a furrowed brow the whole time though.

I can't wait until her head control is perfect so that we have 1 less thing to worry about during bath time. Heh, she's getting good practice with head control everyday as I burp her while sitting on the couch- she spends most of that time trying to hold her head up (or back) to look at the picture frames on the living room wall. Go me for selecting such high contrast photo frames to our white walls. Apparently, they are perfect visuals for newborns. And a big thanks to Stef! For recommending the black/white shapes mobile. Noelle absolutely loves it...we hung it over her diaper changing table and seriously, the girl is happy to lie there and coo at her mobile for 1/2 an hour. I'm actually sorta jealous...that mobile makes her more happy than me at this point. =P

Waiting for the good stuff

2009-04-01T05:41:00.001-07:00

Noelle passed the 6 week mark almost 2 weeks ago (the 6 week mark being important as it marks the social smile milestone) and while I "think" she smiled at me that week, this vague active smile is still rare. I still haven't seen the adorable big smile and chuckle she does in her sleep while she is awake yet. Maybe she's still practicing? Maybe she's like her mama and will practice something to death before she will unveil it. Well, I hope she gets to it soon...hopefully before she graduates from college. I keep grinning at her like a maniac, hoping for a big smile in return. I mostly get an unsettling stare. Still, she definitely does interactive cooing now and is more aware of my presence. Over the weekend, Rob was trying his hardest to get her attention while she was in the bouncer but she was tracking me wherever I went in the room and she actually looked happy when I went to pick her up from the bouncer. Yay! Acknowledgment of our bond! Or at least, memory of the face looming over her most days. =P

Collateral damage

2009-03-31T06:04:00.000-07:00

Another adjustment I'm making involves learning how to handle the inevitable stresses to my relationship with Rob as a result of having a baby. The combination of sleep deprivation and bouts of listening to a loudly crying baby makes us more snappish with each other. You may say, "So? Everybody is cranky once in a while and snaps at their significant other." Um, not us generally. I know, we're freaky that way.

I generally hate to fight and I grew up in a household where we hardly ever fought. If we had a problem with each other, we did argue/fight but if our crankiness did not result from that person, we did not take it out on them. As Rob says, my siblings and I are freakishly polite with one another. Rob did not grow up this way (on the contrary, his family readily curses at each other if they're pissed, which scared the shit out of me the first time I saw it in action while we were still dating). Over the past 12 years we've been together, we did not typically take out our bad moods on each other. But now, it's just really easy to snap at each other or to get annoyed at the other because we're both short on sleep and stressed. I know that it's odd but I find it really uncomfortable to snap at him or vice versa.

Plus, it's harder now to find time to enjoy being with one another as a couple. Our sleeping schedules are staggered so we see each other less often. When we are both awake and in the house at the same time, we're usually caught up in taking care of Noelle, doing chores, or taking care of a million other things. It's hard to even eat a meal together.

We're of course enjoying being with each other plus Noelle as a family but it's hard for me to let go (or postpone indefinitely) of the activities I'm used to doing with Rob as a couple. As of now, it's like we're taking turns to relax and enjoy ourselves. I miss relaxing and enjoying a nice dinner out WITH Rob. He's very supportive of me going out with my friends. But I truly miss going out with him.

Miscellaneous

2009-03-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

For all those books and experts that constantly reassure parents that the frequent hiccups that newborns have don't bother the newborns at all, my Noelle would like to say, "Cram it up your a$$!" cuz they sure as hell bother her when they keep her from sleeping or wake her up. Or heck, when they last 30 minutes. *grumble*

Noelle had such a major poop fest today that it literally leaked out of her diaper in every direction. And whoever said that baby poop doesn't smell that bad needs to check out her diaper pail. This was followed by a mad rush to a hosedown.

Noelle does not smile at me often but has now taken to tracking me like a hawk but without any facial expression. Sorta creepy.

Sleep 'training'

2009-03-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

When does one start 'training' their child into specific sleep patterns? As always with questions that don't have 1 correct answer, this maddens me. Currently, the best success I've had with placing a sleeping Noelle into her crib and keeping her asleep is after the 2am feeding. She'll drink (while half asleep) while staying swaddled. She pretty much passes out in my arms afterwards. I hold her upright for about 15-20 minutes (since she doesn't burp often, we try to keep her upright at least for a bit to minimize spit up) before placing her back into her crib. Usually, this particular routine thankfully goes without a hitch. She'll usually sleep until 6-7am (with a brief waking at 5am but which I can quiet with a pop of the pacifier cuz dammit, I'm not getting her into the habit of waking up at 5!!!). Many mornings, she'll fall right back asleep after the 7am feeding and if all goes well, she may even sleep in her crib for up to 2 hours. But as the day progresses, the probability of her staying asleep after I place her (sleeping or almost asleep) into her crib decreases. The worst lately is at night when we're trying to get her to sleep anywhere between 7-11pm. She used to fall asleep with just some fuss in Rob's arms and then he can place her into the crib and she would stay asleep till the 2am feed. Last night, she kept waking up and hollering from 8:30-1:30am. Needless to say, this was maddening to experience. Poor Rob got the brunt of it since it was during his shift. She wouldn't even stay asleep in his arms which is unusual in that she will typically happily sleep forever and in whatever position as long as she is being held.

I've read so many books/sites about sleep and babies that my head is spinning. I've tried to set up a bedtime routine of a bath/spongebath followed by a feeding and then sitting quietly with her swaddled in her darkened room with white noise on. However, I have to admit that the "routine" isn't really routine yet since sometimes we're just too tired/it's too late to give her a bath. Rob and I don't do the exact same thing for her bedtime routine. His routine is more like he will feed her in our living room (tv on low and lights usually dimmed), let her fall asleep in his arms for quite a bit, and then he places her into her crib when she has been solidly asleep for a while. This hasn't worked well the past few nights though in that she keeps waking up either in his arms or instantly when he places her into the crib.

So what do we do? It seems too early to try the "cry it out" method where you check in on her but let her cry in her crib as she learns to fall asleep on her own. If we leave her crying, the crying just escalates and she sometimes throws up. Yet I worry constantly if we're setting up a bad habit that will be extremely difficult to break (if not already) by letting her fall asleep in our arms every single time before putting her down. Pacifiers sometimes help her calm back down to sleep when in the crib but not always. The props that I use as "sleep cues" (i.e swaddling, the same white noise cd at night) don't seem to work on their own.

I keep joking to Rob that if we can invent and patent a crib that mimics the warmth and heartbeat of a parent, we'd be rich. Haha...it'll be like that scary Krusty the Clown bed that Homer builds for Bart except that it'll hug the child and beat disturbingly. Um, maybe not. Ideas?

Rob is a saint

2009-03-27T00:05:00.001-07:00

He must be cuz he just dealt with a screaming fussy Noelle for 3 hours straight. No idea why but she just kept waking up and crying. For 3 hours straight. THREE HOURS. In fact, she did that since 8pm but Rob took sole duty of her when I went to bed at 10:30pm.

He is a saint. A cursing saint. But a saint.

(Yes, we did check if she had a temperature, her diaper, to see if she needed burping, etc.)

I got up a bit earlier than usual for my shift of night duty and thankfully (so far), she reacted to her late night feeding routine as usual in that she fell asleep and let me put her in her crib (so far). Keeping my fingers crossed as I go to bed (or couch actually).

I'm a pushover

2009-03-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

Strangely enough, I find that I'm usually a pushover when it comes to Noelle. I didn't expect to be since I'm pretty tough and resistant to crying kids usually. For example, if one of the kids I'm treating throws a crying fit to try to get his/her way, I usually make them work through it and don't give in. Same with my nephew, who rarely tries to throw a tantrum with me ever since the first and only time he did so 2 years ago (ha...he looked so confused when I simply walked away after he threw himself to the floor and started wailing. I spied on him without him seeing and he looked so confused by my reaction that it was comical).

However, when Noelle cries, I feel so bad for her. Maybe it's because she's a baby or my own child but I find it really hard to just leave her crying for more than a few minutes. She makes a very effective "I'm so sad" face- complete with puppy eyes and quivering downward mouth. Ack...I feel like giving in just thinking about it. That's why I'm dreading her reaction to daycare when the caregivers (probably) won't hold her till she falls asleep. I'm fully aware that despite whatever ratio of adults to children they have, they won't be able to give her as much prompt attention that I give her and I'm sad thinking about how confused/upset she will be. Ack...I'm not going to think about it anymore. (Not that I'm planning to leave her with people who will just leave her in her playpen all day). I just really hope we select the right daycare who will love her and care for her as much as they can.

Preparing for the RETURN

2009-03-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

I hit Noelle's 6 week mark this past Sunday and coincidentally, I also hit the halfway mark of my maternity leave. Hence, preparations for my return to work have re-commenced in overdrive.

I went to visit another daycare on Monday. It's a family daycare that is a 10 minute local drive from my workplace and it is highly recommended by a friend. It seemed like a nice enough place (it's in the owner's home) even though I prefer a center run more like a school and with a structured program. I also have 2 issues with it:

The owner stated that they routinely put the babies in walkers once they get old enough to do so. For those of you who are confused by why this is a negative for me and don't mind some boring therapy info, read on. Most pediatric occupational and physical therapists hate walkers because it encourages bad habits and doesn't really help the development of walking. Walking involves weights shifts/bearing and a balance between the flexors and extensors. In a nutshell, walkers don't facilitate that. Granted, I'm sure Noelle will eventually learn to walk despite the use of a walker but I really prefer her to be on the ground crawling/climbing/sitting/pulling herself up/etc rather than just placed in a walker. However, I guess most daycares place infants in walkers cuz it simply makes things easier for them since the babies are then more or less prevented from getting into things and from messing with each other. So I guess this is an issue that I will have to deal with in whatever daycare I placer her in.

Another (even more major) negative of the daycare I visited was that they annually close for 2 weeks smack in the middle of my job's summer session. I would have to arrange for alternative babysitting for her for those 2 weeks even though I am required to pay them for the full month. PLUS, I'd have to still pay them for a full month the following month when I have off from my own job for 3 weeks (when my job has summer break). That's 2 months I'm paying them for NOT watching Noelle the majority of the time!!! All of the daycares I've visited do expect me to pay in full even when I take Noelle out when I'm on vacation but this is the first place that actually closes for a full 2 weeks but still expects me to pay. I'm fine with the daycares expecting to get paid even when closed for major holidays but to pay them for closing 2 weeks??? &*%$#!!!

Still, so far this place is the most viable option in that it was highly recommended from someone we know, we can actually afford the tuition (what my sister pays for daycare in Tribeca still makes me shudder), and it's near my job so I can get to her quicker if she's sick. The only other 2 options with a spot for her are lower on our list cuz of cost, location, and/or how the daycare is run (i.e. one place has the infants with children as old as 5 in the same room which I think is asking for the babies to get stepped on by the older kids).

I'm currently waitlisted at another place, also highly recommended. This place (a center run more like a school) has a waitlist a mile long but the secretary (whom I called yesterday) let slip that I'm near the top of the list and they are planning to expand their program soon. Thing is, they are giving the siblings of current students first dibs. Also, they don't know which classes they are expanding yet- it will depend on what the demand is from the majority of those on the waitlist/from the parents of current students. Plus, it doesn't seem likely that they will open the new classes (whatever age they may be) in time for my return to work. Rob and I will most likely have to enroll Noelle in the first place mentioned in May no matter what. My dilemma is what if my first choice has an opening in the next few weeks? I'm uncomfortable with the idea of abandoning the family daycare for my first choice since they would have turned away another prospective child to give Noelle the one spot they currently have. I know, it's their problem not mine but I'm still uncomfortable doing that.

Baby language

2009-03-23T10:55:00.001-07:00

My friend, Benaie, told me about this Australian woman named Dunstan who was featured on Oprah to discuss "Dunstan's baby language". She supposedly has incredible hearing and detected 5 universal "sound reflexes" that all babies make. Such said reflexes supposedly mean specific things. I watched a couple of examples on YouTube and while I think it's intriguing, I don't want to shell out $35 for her DVDs. I watched and heard examples of 3 of the 5 sound reflexes. I did think "neh" (supposedly meaning hunger) had promise and made a bit of sense- A hungry baby would in my thinking bring her tongue to the roof of her mouth frequently in an attempt to suck and thus could theoretically produce a "neh" sound. Therefore, I could buy that a "neh" sound would be produced for hunger. I think I have heard Noelle make such "neh" sounds before, too. The "eh"s (supposedly meaning "I need to pass upper wind"- I guess it's classier to say that than say "burp") were a bit iffy in my opinion but I could also in theory see a baby making that noise as she's trying to burp. However, I really couldn't distinguish the "owh"s (supposedly meaning "I'm tired") between the different example babies. Maybe my hearing isn't as highly attuned as hers but those babies seemed to be making all sorts of different sounds.

After watching said examples, I've been closely monitoring Noelle's cries over the past day to see if I can detect such secret language. So far, I haven't heard such sounds. As far as I can tell, my little girl goes from quiet to full screaming (sounding like "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH""""!) pretty quick so there aren't many "neh"s, "eh"s, or what have you. *sigh* It would be nice to have a lexicon to her cries. The books said to watch out for "sleepiness" cues like "rubbing her eyes" or "tugging on her ears". Um, maybe it's just cuz she's really young still but Noelle routinely whacks herself in the face by mistake...I doubt she has the coordination (yet) to do either said sleep cue.

Oh well, back to square one.

Breastmilk woes

2009-03-22T02:23:00.000-07:00

Just as a warning to my fainthearted guy friends, I'm going to be pretty explicit in this post so don't say I didn't warn you...

So here I am pumping at 5am. Usually I pump every 3 hours on the 12, 3, 6, and 9 am/pm but I give myself a lot of leeway at nighttime since sleep is of the utmost importance...it's more precious than gold at this point.

Pumping breastmilk...not only does it strap you to a machine every 3 hours or so, it causes all sorts of indignities. For instance, sore nipples. Granted, at least Noelle isn't chewing on them like gum (which she was sometimes inclined to do when I was still trying to directly breastfeed) but pumping breasts, even from a machine, so regularly does beat them up quite a bit. Some might say that I must be selecting too high a suction level on the machine. Well, I already do the recommended suction level of just up to the point of before pain so it doesn't actually hurt during the pumping but just having something pull on them so regularly makes them hurt. The breastfeeding lore said that mothers would get used to the soreness and their nipples would toughen up. Bull. I'm still sore after almost 5 weeks of pumping on a regular basis.

After pumping, you are supposed to let them air dry (not sure why...to prevent mashing them up when the nipples are extended from the pulling? This does hurt as I found out by guessing the wrong nursing bra size several times. To prevent mold?- it IS a moist environment so I think it's a valid concern. Who knows?). Therefore, you're thus looking like a bad porno shot what with your boobs hanging out of the holes built into your nursing bra for several minutes after pumping.

If you do not drain your breasts of milk properly, you develop hard lumps in your breasts (clogged milk ducts and the like) that are painful. You have to "massage" (read: mash them with pain involved) during the next pumping session to get rid of them. If you let it go on, they will just get harder and more painful to get rid of and may develop into a fun-filled infection that will need to be professionally drained and cause (from what I read) excruciating pain.

Leaking breastmilk when you least expect it is also not fun. Nothing quite like having an inopportune stain on your shirt. Fear of this phenomenon requires one to slap on the equivalent of maxipads for the boobs. Which also causes irritation to the nipples.

Lastly, the need to pump every few hours severely limits your options of outings beyond 2-3 hours since most establishments do not have a nice lounge attached to their restrooms where you can pump. I don't know about you, but I don't find the prospect of holing up in a (typically) gross and noxious smelling restaurant bathroom for 15-20 minutes appealing. Nor do I think I would garner warm feelings from other prospective users of said toilet since many restaurants have only 1 bathroom.

I sincerely hope my daughter appreciates my dedication to giving her breastmilk. Maybe she'll buy me a trip to Japan as a thank you when she's 30 years old.

Proof of being inside too long...

2009-03-21T08:34:00.001-07:00

I was preparing to head out for brunch with friends for the first time since giving birth to Noelle 6 weeks ago and I realized that my skin was now too light for my makeup.

...

I need to get out more.

Day care

2009-03-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

To scare those without children, let me tell you that I started looking for daycare for Noelle when I was only 5 months pregnant. You might think, "Maria is insane" but no, I was on target. Even though I was starting while my child was in utero, I already had to place her on a WAIT LIST. Yes, a wait list even though she wasn't even BORN yet. And I have an "interview" next Monday. No, not for me to interview the daycare but for the daycare to interview ME.

Is it just me but is daycare for infants the supreme in weird?

Maybe it's because daycare for children under 2 years (and especially under 6 months) is so rare in my part of Queens but those businesses definitely seem to have the upper hand. My first choice doesn't even bother giving tours since they have that many parents clamoring for a spot. The tuition in most places is also on par (or more) with a SUNY college education. Forget saving for college, we're saving for freaking daycare. I swear, for that amount of money, my kid better be a genius and go to Harvard! Haha...just kidding...really! *sweat*
Honestly, I just want a clean place where the staff is warm and attentive to my child and will give her age-appropriate stimulation. And not drop her on her head or anything and minimize the inevitable biting between children as they participate in the age-old game of "Mine! No, MINE!!!!"

Some of my friends had pointed out that for that amount of money, I might as well hire a nanny. While a nanny would provide my child with 1 on 1 attention and avoid the whole germ thing that comes with being exposed to a roomful of other adorable germ incubators all day, I'm just too paranoid. What if the nanny abused my child? Or kidnaps my child? Nanny cam doesn't really help since it would be after the fact. I figure that at least with a daycare, there are several adults around to keep an eye on each other (I hope). That being said, I don't mean any disrespect for those who do have nannies.

Well, onward with the daycare search. What would one bribe a daycare director with anyways? Unlimited diapers? A giant crate of diaper rash cream? Really effective ear plugs?

Almost 6 weeks!

2009-03-20T06:55:00.000-07:00

So, we're closing in on the 6 week mark which figures significantly in many a baby resource book. We're waiting to see if it's a turn for the better or for more crying. (gulp)

We're doing better than before and have settled into a vague routine.
Noelle wakes up anywhere between 6:30-7:30am-ish...I feed her and keep her up a bit while Rob gets ready for work. She often falls back asleep for a decent amount of time (for her) afterwards and lets herself be placed back in the crib and actually stays asleep while I run and try to look presentable/like a human being and eat breakfast. I now try to make breakfast more substantial since my lunch will most likely be hurried. I also now have almonds lying around at all times as a snack that I can grab while holding her. Throughout the day I feed her, (try to) burp her, play with her if she's cooperating, lull her to sleep, try to trick uh I mean persuade her that sleeping in her crib is fun, and repeat. I have to pump every 3 hours so I try to time it as best as I can. I'm of course off with my timing sometimes and am left with frantically trying to express milk as fast as possible while Noelle is screaming in her crib. Around mid afternoon, I start crashing and really hoping that she will nap by herself but of course, she gets more fussy. My mom stops by after the store closes and watches her (a.k.a. holds the little demanding princess) from about 4-6PM while I catch some zzz's. (Hence why I am often unreachable during this time. I have the nap schedule of a preschooler). After my mom leaves, I am now trying to incorporate the daily spongebathing then (instead of at 9pm) followed by a feeding to try to soothe her into a bedtime routine. Rob comes home at that time and if all goes well, Noelle will sleep by herself while Rob and I eat dinner together. If all does not go well, we pass her back and forth like a hot potato while we take turns eating. I will then run to take a shower, fix her night bottles, and pump before going to bed. I try to go to bed by 9:30 but often wind up not going to bed till 10:30 for one reason or another (read: fussy baby). Rob has her from then on till 3am. I often get up at least once before my night duty starts in order to pump but sometimes I skip it cuz I'm so freaking tired. Noelle gets up usually twice at night for feedings- usually Rob gets one of them and I get the other.

It sounds pretty uncomplicated but there are typically so many hitches. Like how I have to frantically wash the pump equipment (to get it ready for the next session. And yes, I have 2 sets to give me more leeway) and bottles throughout the day. Feeding myself is also often pretty hard since 1) I don't dare cook near an open flame while holding her and 2) she doesn't usually sit quietly in my arms to let me eat. But hurrah, she does like her bouncer seat for short periods of time (especially when I'm making it bounce up and down with my 1 foot while I gulp down food/wash bottles/pump).

So, that's our routine for now. With the use of a pacifier as bribery material often. Still waiting for her first actual social smile. She does smile in her sleep and even cackle in her sleep (sorta creepy but understandable since her daddy does it, too) but I'm still eagerly awaiting her actual smile at me. She's also starting to make non-cry noises which is exciting. This little girl seems to also have Rob's resilient skin (thank God!) in that any baby acne that pops up disappears after a few hours.

Okay, I should go back now and actually wake her now since she hasn't fed for over 3 hours. Little girl stays asleep when I don't want her to stay asleep. *sigh*

F%$#*!!!!

2009-03-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

So, 5 minutes after I posted the last entry (while holding a sleeping Noelle in my arms), I did my usual of trying to put her into her crib (swaddled and with white noise in the background), not expecting her to stay asleep for more than 5 minutes. During these 5 precious minutes, I usually run and do stuff that I can't with her in my arms (i.e. scarf down a warm meal, wash pump equipment/bottles, answer nature's call, etc.). Sure enough, midway through my hurried lunch, she cries full volume. Since I want to finish my meal in under an hour for once, I pluck a pacifier into her mouth, not really expecting it to lull her back to sleep, more just to pacify (haha) her long enough for me to finish my meal.

I check back in after my last few bites and she's asleep again.

...

Now, this could be a temporary sleep as usual but given that I just ate (and will hence feel sick if I try to nap now), she will most likely stay asleep...just when I can't use the time to sleep myself.

%$#&*^%***!!!!!!!!!

I swear, cuteness really is a survival mechanism.

Created our own monster?

2009-03-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

Noelle has fallen asleep just now for the fifth? time today. If I keep her in my arms, chances are she will stay asleep for a long time. Even if she's in all sorts of odd positions, she'll stay asleep. If I put her down in her crib, she'll only stay asleep 5-15 minutes before waking up suddenly screaming.

Maybe we are making it worse by giving in and holding her but it's hard not to when she sometimes cries so hard she throws up and then I'm scared she'll choke. I have spent whole days just repeatedly lulling her to sleep in my arms, putting her into her crib, she waking upset, repeat cycle. Problem is, she gets more and more upset with each attempt and more overtired, making it harder for her to fall asleep or even be calm. During my night duty, she thankfully will stay asleep once I put her back in after a feeding but we can't seem to replicate this during the day. I've tried doing the same thing I do at night (I swaddle her and put on a recording of falling water as white noise) but no luck.

My sister in law said that daycare (which I will have to put Noelle in at 3 months when I return to work) will break her of that habit since there is no way they will hold her all day. Although that is a good thing, I'm glad I won't be there to watch her cry when they painfully break her of that habit. She has a truly heartbreaking cry when she is left in her crib that always makes me cave.

My precious angel?

2009-03-17T08:01:00.000-07:00

Noelle snores in her sleep and she often makes these snorts during the day. So strange to see such a little doll act like a 40-year old truck driver. And she can fart with the best of them, too. At least the projectile shitting has stopped...she has surprised both Rob and I during 2 separate diaper changes where she pooped so hard it shot out more than a foot. Eww indeed.

We're approaching the 6 week mark (this Sunday) and I'm curious to see if there will be marked changes...lots of books and friends mention that things get better at 6 weeks cuz there will be social payback for all the crying/sleep deprivation. For instance, social smiling is supposed to start around now. I keep grinning at her like a crazy person but so far, no luck. She has cackled in her sleep a few times (like her father) though...very disturbing to watch in either one. I'm also waiting for the cooing so that I can coo back at her but so far, inconsistent o's and mostly cries when she does make a sound. Maybe she's a watcher more than a talker. Maybe she'll surprise the hell out of us like a friend did to his parents (his first words were, "Ow, hot" when he touched something hot, not the usual "mama" or "dada"). What were my first words? My parents have no recollection...oh the tragedy of being born third. Parents are so jaded by then that they don't bother remembering all the big milestones. Heck, there is only 1 baby photo of me and it was a formal family portrait, not that they wanted to especially document my babyness. Bleah. The lastborn child syndrome indeed.

Some books also mention that crying peaks at 6 weeks or even get worse starting at 6 weeks. Ultimately, every source says something different about when the challenging newborn period transitions into something better. Ultimately, I have no idea when her odd sleeping patterns and random crying fits will end. I miss having concrete goals with a specific deadline. *sigh*

Mixed blessings

2009-03-16T16:22:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned before, Noelle wants to be held A LOT. On one hand, this inspires feelings of "Aw! She loves me! She wants to be with me!" On the other hand, that means you only have 1 arm free. 1 hand to make her bottles (done excruciatingly slowly to prevent spillage). 1 hand to type on email or one's blog (heh). 1 hand to feed oneself with care to not spill food on her. I once covered her sleeping form with scone crumbs...some foods are just hard to eat neatly. And yes, I know better than to try my 1 arm act of eating with hot foods or liquids.

Then there are the times when holding her does not console her and that's when panic sets in- is her tummy hurting her? what the hell did I eat? Or is she having trouble digesting the formula I gave her 2 feedings ago? Is she cold? Is she too hot? Did she not burp enough? Is she sick? Aaaaargh????

That's when we do all sorts of rocking motions, walk her up and down (making us think her cries are her saying, "Mush, I tell ya! Mush!"), sing to her, rub her tummy, do leg motions to help her pass gas, try to burp her, etc. One big troubleshooting list. And then she will inexplicably just stop, like a switch was thrown. She's an odd one.

fever?

2009-03-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

So last night I came down with a random fever of 100.3. I of course freaked out and worried that I might get Noelle sick with whatever mystery malady I had. Rob took over taking care of her the whole rest of the night and that's really hard on him since when he is on night duty, he stays up the whole time since he can't be awoken by her cries if he's asleep, even if she is crying right next to him. So my poor Rob got no sleep at all. It actually killed me to not be able to hold her when she cried.

After 2 doses of tylenol, I seem to be fever free so I'm cautiously holding and taking care of her again. I'm washing my hands even more frequently and trying to refrain from kissing her (very hard to stop myself from doing).

Last night's drama had me thinking though- how will we know when she is sick & need her temperature taken? The books say that she will be irritable when she has a fever. Um, my little angel is "irritable" a good amount of time. How will we tell sick-irritable apart from normal-irritable? Gah.

Breastmilk debate continued

2009-03-15T12:40:00.000-07:00

Given that I'm a slave to the breast pump machine, these 2 articles definitely gave me food for thought.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200904/case-against-breastfeeding/3

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/01/19/090119fa_fact_lepore?currentPage=5

I'm especially interested in the first article cuz it acknowledges that breastfeeding/pumping breastmilk is a difficult & time consuming task. I just appreciate that for once, there is an article about breastfeeding/breastmilk that isn't just about the lovey-dovey positive aspects only. Hurray for a nod to reality!

Perfect moments

2009-03-14T06:50:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to reassure my friends and family that yes, I do enjoy Noelle despite my griping on this blog. This blog is for me to vent so it will probably be disproportionately filled with complaints. But I want to assure everyone that there are many times that I just simply enjoy being with my daughter. (Heh...still feels weird to type "my daughter".)

When she is calm, she looks around with such a solemn and adorable expression. Very adult like expressions actually. I love it when she makes an "o" with her lips. I love it when she looks at Rob and I out of the corner of her eyes like she suspects us of something. I love how when we're rocking her to sleep, she periodically opens 1 eye to check that we're still there. I love how she snuggles and burrows her head into the crook of our necks. I find it hysterical that she attacks her bottle with such gusto and with the ferocity and speed of a shark attack (she's mommy's little girl alright!) Rob especially loves her "I so pitiful" face (given during the pauses between her cries where she juts out her lower lip while her lips are downward). I love her doll-like perfection. I love that she calmly accepts my constant kisses and Eskimo-style nose rubbing with her. I love how content she is while we shampoo her hair. I love how her hair can stand up in all directions. And quite simply, we love that she is ours.

Cuteness is a survival mechanism

2009-03-14T06:36:00.001-07:00

We had been lucky for the past 2 weeks in that Noelle wasn't fighting going to sleep and actually staying asleep for 1-2 1/2 hours at a time during the wee hours of the night. I guess we were due for a deviation...

Last night she was wide awake at 4:30AM after her feeding. Not fun. We went through the usual nightly ritual of wrapping her up like a burrito, sticking a pacifier in her mouth, water music in the background (very akin to the sounds of someone peeing for a very long time which thus grossed Rob out quite a bit), and my rocking her. (OOOH...according to the Happiest Baby on the Block book, I was using 4 of the 5 powerful S's to soothe a baby. OOOH. Ahem).

Then she woke up again at 6am...after her feeding, she decided to use her lungs to good effect and proceeded to shriek for a good long time. My mother-in-law is a saint and had been staying with us for the past 2 nights and she took the brunt of soothing my adorable shrieker.

Breastmilk or no?

2009-03-13T06:07:00.000-07:00

I have to write about this 1 major bitter point I have: When you're pregnant, you are inundated with info on how breastmilk is best for baby and how YOU MUST BREASTFEED! But sometimes it's not that easy...

I agree that breastmilk is best for babies and I went into the whole mom thing with every intention of breastfeeding for a year. I took a breastfeeding class about 1 month before giving birth. I read constantly about proper latch and the like. I was prepared from the class I took to stave off any attempts by the hospital staff to give my child formula cuz I was dedicated to breastfeeding, goddammit! I thought, I'm set!

Um, no. No matter how much prep I did, I found to my dismay that breastfeeding is FRIGGIN HARD and does NOT come naturally. Yes, I did learn from my class that it is a skill that must be practiced and learned but there was the underlying assumption that after a few practice tries, it would run smoothly. My sister breastfed for 11 months. So did almost all of my friends who have children. So, I thought, okay, I'll pick up the knack of it.

I put in my best from the start...I put Noelle on my breast as soon as possible and practiced practiced. For the first week of her life, I was worried that she was only latching on for 1-2 minutes (or less) at a time and fell asleep at my breast way before I thought she'd be satiated but I thought, hmmm, she's producing urine though so she must be getting enough. However, I was disturbed that it wasn't much urine (I would scrutinize her diapers to see how wet it was) and that her poop hadn't turned the color it was supposed to when breastfed (all indicators of whether she was getting enough breastmilk). I spent frantic hours searching the Internet for help (hours that I should've used to rest/sleep to recover from childbirth, especially since I hadn't slept well for 2 weeks before childbirth due to a wonderful pregnancy rash that hits 1% of pregnant women). The almost 1 total month of sleep deprivation plus the constant worry that she did not get enough to eat did not do wonders for my sanity. Can we say constant crying fits?

To make a long story short, after 2 visits from a lactation consultant (which did help but still never made our breastfeeding sessions work 100% of the time) and 2 weeks of almost no sleep, we decided for me to pump breastmilk and to give it to her by bottle instead. We also give her formula for the times that I'm not sure if she's hungry but want to offer her something but not want to waste precious breastmilk (since apparently, if she's touched the milk with her saliva, the breastmilk is only good for a little longer and then must be chucked).

My bitterness stems from the sheer pressure about breastfeeding your child but disregard for how it may just be too hard for some people to do. People told me to just keep at it but when the consequence of your not doing it right is your child being hungry, I couldn't "just keep at it". Pumping every 3 hours seriously cuts into sleep or even my ability to hold/take care of her during the day when I'm by myself (and Noelle wants to be held A LOT). But I'm stubbornly keeping at it cuz of my obsession to give her breastmilk. Although I wonder sometimes if I should give up and just give her formula 100% of the time. Yes, breastmilk is much better for babies, I believe the science. But what if the foods I'm eating and thus getting into my breastmilk are causing her to be the excruciatingly fussy baby she is during the daytime? And before someone tells me to just "cut out the possible problem foods", he/she should know that the list of possible problem foods includes pretty much everything: dairy (and dairy is in everything), eggs, broccoli, spinach, citrus, nuts, beans, garlic, onions, chocolate, caffeine, etc. So I'd pretty much be eating a diet of bread, water, and nothing else. And considering how foods can take several days to work out of one's system and I'm pumping and thus giving her milk that may be from 1-2 days ago, it's a pretty Herculean task for me to try to figure out what can be causing her gas/fussiness. Or heck, she may just be gassy and fussy cuz she's a baby. Truthfully, she's not even as gassy as she was during the first 2 weeks. I've eaten different taboo foods at different times and I don't really notice her getting more irritable than she is normally. (Irritable in that she will be fine one minute and then start screaming all of a sudden even though I fed her till she was content and changed her diaper. And yes, I try to burp her but sometimes she fights the burping so much that she's swallowing so much air from crying that I wonder if it's worth it to keep trying to burp her. Although she will let me put her into her crib to sleep in the daytime, she almost always wakes up within 5-10 minutes yelling bloody murder. But she can sleep pretty well if someone is holding her).

In the end, I'm not sure if it's the foods I'm eating that is making her uncomfy and so fussy. If it is, isn't it better to just give her formula since my breastmilk is giving her so much digestive problems? But I don't know for sure if it is gas or whatnot that makes her fussy and so prone to wake up screaming in the daytime. So I'm back to square one of scratching my head in puzzlement/exasperation. To breastmilk or not to breastmilk? I did do a half day of feeding her only formula to see if it helped but I think she was her usual self. I hate not knowing the reason for her behavior. Ha! I know, welcome to motherhood. I don't have to like it though.

And would it be so bad for me to give her formula? Almost everybody in my generation grew up on it and we're (more or less, heh) fine. And truthfully, giving her formula exclusively would probably make my life easier but no, I will hold onto pumping breastmilk cuz I've been brainwashed to feel that as long as I can give her breastmilk, I MUST.

Beginnings...

2009-03-13T06:06:00.001-07:00

So, I'm taking the advice that I saw on Today (a show that I never watched before but am now resigned to watch everyday since I'm up already courtesy of my adorable but quite fussy natural alarm clock) and am starting a blog about my new motherhood experience as a possible stress reliever.

Let me first say this: NOTHING prepared me for the complete physical and mental exhaustion that having a baby brought. Yeah, people would joke, "Oh, prepare for sleepless nights" once in a while during my pregnancy but for the most part, everybody was all about the lovey-dovey ness of having a baby. Ditto for the Discovery Health baby shows..."Oh, we went through [insert trauma here] but in the end, we now have a perfect life with baby...oh, we're tired sometimes but life is wonderful!" Heck, even if people were brutally honest, I doubt I could've truly comprehended how hard it was going to be.

So dumb me, thought, hey, I work with children under 5 years old, I'm relatively patient, I love children and babies, and I've got a copy of "What to Expect in the First Year", I'm set!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I love my 5 week old little girl, Noelle, and would walk through fire for her. I just never thought that being a mom would be this hard and that I would look back at my pre-pregnant/mom days with longing. As those who know me are very aware, I am a type A personality who loves being organized and getting things done. I thrive on routine and always finding the right solution. Being a mom is the complete opposite of all that. For my personality, the sheer unpredictability of being a mom and the there never being one right solution, this is sheer hell. As my friend who is a psychiatrist would say, it's like exposure therapy except instead of gradual desensitization, I'm thrown into the highest fear situation constantly.

I'm slowly learning (or at least trying) to change my expectations of myself. My apartment will never be as clean or organized as before. My child will not be predictable and I will most likely go through frequent periods of being utterly puzzled/exasperated by her. I'm going to just try to take it 1 day (or even 1 hour) at a time and just try to enjoy her.